Hmm

so here I sit feeling quite - I dunno - something
numb perhaps?
verge of tears - not sure
I don't know how to feel

So as most of you know my dad died just over a year ago. I barely knew my step mother and after a year of asking - pleading - for ANYTHING that was his and her telling me no it all reminds her of him and she just could not bear to part with it - she even moved and never told us - I tracked her down though......long story short I just came home to a box of my dads things. Nothing worth anything but they are his. I have the carved wooden eagle that I bartered down to 12 pesos for him in the philippines - I remember the little shack over looking the rice terraces. I knew he would love it because he loved eagles so much. I have a couple of light houses that again are maked with a dollar store lable but he LOVED light houses. but I think the most cherished thing I have now which is bringing me to tears as I even think of it is his Bible. All ratty and falling apart but it has his writing in it, little notes he tucked into the pages. I can see and get to know a part of my dad now...his thought about certain things. Which is not feeling quite good enough to me but it is all I have to get to know.

It was such a long and busy day at work and I was frustrated when I got home. Now I am weepy and nostelgic. I am thankful yet sad, happy yet somehow this makes me feel a new sense of greif. But at the same time I feel a bit of closure that I can know I have some of his things and I don't need to keep trying so hard to get her to give me anything.

I made a promise to my dad in a letter the day before his funeral that I would always make sure to always look out for her but I am hurt by her and want to not even bother anymore. I need some time to process how I feel about her.

from my perspective...i feel homesick for my dad