a blog I wrote November 2008 after meeting my childhood idols November 19 2008 in Calgary Alberta

ok many of you have been waiting very patiently for this blog but when something so big and wonderful happens it is often very hard to figure out the right words to use to describe it. You know in the weeks leading up to our trip to calgary I dreamt about things like kissing Donnie and hanging out with the band on the bus but who knew that dreams really do come true!Ok let me start from the day of the show now. Tabitha and I woke up to my cell phone alarm which was set to my ring tone Full Service of course! We got up, had coffee and began to get ready. when we were looking as hot as we thought possible and let me tell you we were damn hot! Tabitha began video recording us as we went through our check list of what to take for the day. I was super excited and said I got my mind right donnie and see these lips I got my lips right too and they are coming for you! The excitment in our room was electric as we got our coats on and headed down to take the train to the saddle dome. We were to meet some other gals from our JordanGate thread on the forum for 11am. We got there first and waited and then this beautiful girl says hey you are beth and there was Holly! Ami and Jess had some directional issues and got there later but Tab, holly and I had lunch in our most excellent home made shirts! After the others arrived we thought we might go take a peek at the saddle dome to see if the busses were there. As we approached I heard Tabitha gasp! There were all the busses all lined up! We stood and watched the dancers come to and from the bus to the stadium. A brown van pulled in and a blond woman with a baby got out and I said maybe that is joes wife. No sooner did I say that then around the front of the van comes Joey walking behind with the baby car seat. No one yelled just then out of respect for his wife and son but when he came back out Holly yelled HI JOE and he smiled and waved. I got to back it up a little here to say that I had forgotten to bring any mittens with me but I did bring extra socks in case my feet got cold so I had put them on my freezing hands. It was not until after joe went in that I realized I waved at Joe with socks on my hands lol. Any way Jordan came out of his bus next and that time I yelled JORDAN and he waved and yelled ou hi and I said COME OVER! He rubbed his hands together and said it was too cold. He was very nice though! Jon came out of the bus to have a smoke but being the shy guy that he is he was not out long and stayed hidden as much as he could. At this point I had to go to the washroom so we walked over to the building with the washroom when I get a text from amy saying come now. we started to head back when she texted me DONNIE AND DANNY!. I did not know I could run as fast as I did it was like I had a fire at my butt lol. I got there and they were gone I was so sad but not even 3 min later donnie and danny came out again. We yelled DONNIE!! He turned around and SPRINTED up the snowy hill to the fence where we were. He held my hand through the fence and said to all of us how long have you been out here? We told him a long time, it had been a couple hours at least. He said "It's fucking cold out here" and then let go of my hand and started counting us. Then quietly told us only the ones he counted and no more but that he was going to go get his assistant to bring us around to bring us onto his tour bus!! I thought I would die. so off he went and we waited and waited and nothing. Some people were saying oh he is not coming back for us but Ami and I kept saying Our man don't lie if he says he is coming for us he will. So all of a sudden he comes back out and sees us there and throws his hands up in the air and said "My assistant didn't come for you yet????? hold on 1 second"So Johnny comes to the fence to give us some instructions like don't rush any of the other guys if they come around you are donnies guests so respect the other guys. Only take pictures when you are told that it is ok and all that sort of thing and off we go in a big group all the while being recorded for nktv as we walk up the lot to the bus!Tab was in front of me the first to get on the bus I was second. Wow! I am on the baby daddy bus! It is warm and smells so good almost a mix between floral air freshner and cinnimon. Not sure if it was insence or a glade plug in but it was fantastic! Donnie was in the back bedroom on a business call for the first little while and we spoke to Johnny and he gave and offered us so many things like chips, water, pop, chocolate bars, kashi basically anything that you can think of. Very kind. There was a big tv built into the wall and the infamous stripper pole lol. then all of a sudden we hear the bedroom door click and Donnie's voice say AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!! Anyway there was a lot of chit chat and a few pictures oh and on his way to the back for the face time pic he lost his footing with all of us in there and landed ON MY LAP!!!! Ok so I kinda pulled him a little too but it was so crowded he would not have realized that I pulled him down onto my lap ha ha ha ha!! Then it was time for us all to go in for 5*!I am going to skip over all the snacks and drinks and get right to my meet and greet! I walked in and was headed towards my Donnie and well I was so nervous and excited I was not really looking at anyones faces. I saw Jordan speaking to another girl and this guy stepped out in front of me. I was going to walk around so he sort of hesitated all of a sudden I realized and said out loud, OH! Joe!! give me a hug and as I hugged him I said I love you. That is what I said to all of them lol. Next I made my way to my man donnie! I was the only donnie girl in our group so I spent the majority of our time in his arms lol. I kinda absently recapped everything to him...I cam all the way from toronto....I know baby HUG I was on your bus.....I know girl HUG I love you can I have a kiss? He pulls back with me still in his arms and I turn my cheek and wait. No kiss? I turn my face to him and he has this drop dead sexy expression on his face almost a smirk and then it happens! He plants his soft lips right on mine! it was not a tight puckered kiss but just perfect! then we had 2 photos taken and they wanted us out so I had to rush my hugs to get danny jon and jordan in. Danny's hug was a little stiff but he was still nice and smiled. Then I said OH JON and turned he had his arms open for me and I just threw my arms around him told him I loved him and he said thanks. Then I had to get one from jordan but I did not hear what he said back to me because they kept telling us to get out for the next group to go in. When the groups were done Donnie stuck around to do a bunch of autographs and he signed the back of my pass. Then we had to collect our cell phones and cameras and get to our seats.I could not believe it. As we walked the floor to the 6th row (which was really 3rd) Tabitha and commented that we were now the girls we hate for having the best seats!!! The show was amazing and I cried between the meet and greet and the show I just could not fathum what was going on. Stuff like this never happens to me. The fact that no matter how silly other people may think I have been for dreaming about the new kids on the block or spending what they think to be too much money on this it really was a 20 year dream come true for me that no words or money will ever come close to how much it meant to me! I shared it with a wonderful long time friend and made new life long friends along the way and got to have face time with my beatles, my first loves, the ones I have been loving since I was 13 years old! This is something I will never ever forget and I will be pinching myself because I still have trouble believing that it happened!

i have resolved to do a few things this year. Not new years resolutions but life changes
one being to learn how to cook. This will promote a healthier life style for one and save money on eating out. So i gathered some receipes and and bought spices and things i had never heard of before and well who knew that grated ginger root did not come already grated?? I was looking for it at the bulk barn. needless to say i felt like a tool when i was told you have to buy the root and grate it yourself with a cheese grater thingy! Here is the receipe I tried out today and was pretty good at making if i do say so myself!

Thai-Riffic Basil Stir Fry

• prepared beef broth 1/4 cup
• lime juice 2 tbsp.
• brown sugar, packed 2 tbsp.
• soy sauce 1 tbsp.
• corn starch 2 tsp.
• cooking oil 1 tbsp.
• beef top sirloin steak, cut into thin, short strips 1 lb.
• garlic clove, minced 1
• dried crushed chilies 1 tsp.
• sliced onion 1 cup
• sliced red pepper 1 cup
• chopped fresh basil 1/4 cup
• chopped dry roasted peanuts (optional) 1/4 cup

Heat large frying pan or wok on medium-high until very hot. Meanwhile, combine first 5 ingredients in a small cup. set aside.

Add cooking oil to frying pan. add next 3 ingredients. Stir fry for about 2 to 4 minutes until beef reaches resired doneness. Transfer to plate. cover to keep warm.

Add onion and red pepper to same frying pan. Stir fry for about 2 minutes until tender-crisp. Add beef mixture. Stir cornstarch mixture. Add to beef mixture. Heat and stir for about 1 minute until boiling and thickened.

Add basil. Stir. Sprinkle peanuts over top. Makes about 2 1/2 cups.

Serves 4.

I am exhausted...

oh my word I just watched the movie called seven pounds starring will smith. wow. it left me speachless really and feeling very overwhelmed and a bit sad. fantastic movie though I am not going to spoil anything for anyone but I smell an oscar or two for this one!

I say it over and over again that i am horrible at keeping up with my blog. in the day and age of facebook and myspace and all the other pages we visit obsessivley it can be difficult to remember to actually blog. Christmas 2008 has come and gone and I really am blessed! I am thankful for the very well thought out gifts I recieved from a crock pot to a pink tool kit and a photo magazine subscription to a freeset bag. www.stopthetraffik.org check it out such an amazing cause! i wanted to wish you all love and happiness and a SAFE new year. don't make resolutions just be the best you that you can be! Dont drink and drive!

Much love, and more to come in 2009 - I promise!

Cross my heart and hope to die...

but PLEASE no more needles in my eye!!!!

I had my 4th treatment yesterday of Avastin.

It is injected right into my eye.

While it was true, it was not as bad this time around as it was last time (horrible) it still leaves very little to be desired.

Now I wait

wait

wait

wait

6 weeks to wait

.

.

.

.

.

It seems my life as a pin cushion involves a lot of wait and see.

it is frustrating

it is tiring

it makes me want to give up

but I cannot even THINK that far in the future of this without panicing a little

so I wait

I am so excited

Jason Mraz is performing again in Toronto

I did not go last time because well most of my friends were like

"Jason who??"

PFFFT

He is AMAZING!!!!!!

There is a friend at work who I found

with a mutual love of all things Mraz!!

We are trying to score some tickets.

I really should not spend my money on so many different concert tickets but then again i did nothing all summer but work. Why not see a few shows!

I'll be seeing New Kids on the Block twice in September lol and then Jason's show is October at Massy hall!

weeeeeeeeeeee - I feel delighted

My eye specialist said that the problem looks better and treatment seems to be working

I have to make changes
no more smoking
that is hard
and different foods and vitamins

and remove things from my diet

It's an adjustment but I have to do everything I can to promote healthy eyes - it's just a no brainer

So, opposed to smoking half a pack of smokes or more a day I immediatley tried cold turkey which was a BAD SCENE
so I went the next day with 5 smokes
yesterday I had 4 today I am only having 3 and so on

from my perspective...it's a no brainer

I hurt for you

But she is free

I know she is with Jesus

but you are left here

I'm so sorry my friend

if I could take away your pain

and bring her back I would

There is comfort in knowing she soars now

her pain is gone and she smiles

while you cry

I'm so sorry my friend.

I fEeL tOrN

EmOtIoNs TwIrLiNg

WhIrLiNg

A tImE tO cElAbRaTe

BuT yEt, To GrEiVe

JoY, pAiN.

lAuGhTeR, tEaRs.

My HeArT iS hEaVy,

My HeArT iS LiGhT.

i'M tHrILLeD aT tHe NeWs,

I'm TeRiFiEd At ThE nEwS.

cOnGrAtUlAtIoNs AnD cOnDoLeNcEs

I aM tOrN.

This is my room mate Jeff. He just let me set up a little photo studio in the basement and so i took some shots of him a couple of nights ago and this one is my favorite. I need actual real lighting so I don't have to carry around a little lamp ha ha ha But anyway I just thought I would blog that my little studio in the basement makes me happy

from my perspective...I need studio lights

I have had a hard time. I am trying to figure out maybe not the answers at this point but the lesson in the mean time. Is it simply to be more assertive and stand up for myself? Or is it that no matter how hard I try I still end up screwing SOMETHING up? I try to work hard and make sure I am doing everything they ask of me but there is always something else.

I sometimes don't know how to "fix" me

It's been another long while since I have blogged.....again I procrastinate. Perhaps it is not so much a matter of procrastinating as not really having much to say really. I work too much, as usual. I want to be that I work to live not live to work. That being said I finally opened up a savings account. I need to be doing more things in life that I have been meaning to or dreaming of. No more excuses. If I am a little broke after well so be it I had FUN! I guess I just have been noticing lately that my life seems to get put on hold an aweful lot for others and for my work. That is just not acceptable. Here I am, I wake up and I am 32. For one how did THAT happen and for another how am I so far behind on my list of to do's in life?! In my job I realize, for reasons beyond me, I have consumed myself to the point of not having any social life. I have sacrificed some of the most important things to me. I rarely get to church anymore. I have dwindled my trips to see my nephew to ONCE A YEAR (that is HORRIBLE). I don't do as much photography as I would like. I plan my life around when I work and when I am on call. what is wrong with this picture *cough - people pleaser - cough* I know this sounds like a repeat blog and what I blog about every time I write. BROKEN RECORD. Is there a support group out there for yes people? people pleasers? work-o-holics? people who work extra hours simply because they don't have kids and are doing favors for people who do? I went to see my nephew a couple of weekends ago and I never knew how liberating it could be to just - get ready - turn the cell phone OFF!!! I want to do that more. Ok well here are some recents of my wonderful and amazing nephew, just turned 10 (have I mentioned I have no idea how this happens lol)

Ok well on a positive note some of the things I have been trying to do are go to more concerts lol. So far this year I have seen Bon Jovi, Hedley, Rascall Flatts, Kelly Pickler and in September I am going with my friend to see.......NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK!! ha ha ha ha LOVES IT! And Natasha beddingfield is the opening act! Oh I also saw daughtry as well! I would also like to take more little roadtrips and day off get aways (depending on the darn price of gas that is!) I will keep you posted how the rest of the summer goes....you know, see if I actually reach my goals!

from my perspective...our lives are only as fun as we make them and you only live once so live it to the fullest!

April Fools!!

April Showers Bring May Flowers!!

Well we have the showers and i am the fool lol. Either way Happy "it's about stinking time it's starting to feel like spring day"

The new living arangment has been for the last almost 2 months and it is going far better then I ever thought it would. Jeff and I have not even fought once. There have been a couple times we were annoyed with each other but it's been good. I know that he owns the house and I just rent a room but it really feels like he treats this like it is half mine and that is a nice feeling. It feels like home and we are having a good time living together.

Work is also going ok. I have been busy but I am not putting in as many hours as I used to and work seems to be calling me far less which really makes me glad. They have actually just approved me and the other manager to start doing 4 10 hour days a week with 3 days off and then we are still doing the 3 weekends off rotation so every 3 weeks I end up with 6 days in a row off and then every 3 weeks I work 7 or 8 days in a row. A small price to pay for getting a vacation every 3 weeks!

On another side note I have, through facebook, reconnected with a bunch of people I went to grade school and highschool with. Now the weird thing is they may have been my friends in grade school but in highschool they hated me and were terrible to me. So I thought ok I will accept their friend requests because people do grow up and all. Anyway I have been invited to an inproptu highschool reunion in June. I said I would go but then I got thinking - none of these people liked me - let alone were nice to me. I told my mom and she actually said "maybe they are going to beat you up again" lol. I don't know why I want to go but I do. Maybe it will be good. Either way it will be really nice to go home....even though home doesn't seem like home anymore when your family is all gone. I think maybe I will take some time to go visit my old houses and maybe even reflect. The last time I went home was for my dad's memorial service 3 years ago.

So...thinking ahead to this reunion I think time to hit the gym hardcore and anyway I over did it and pulled a muscle - very sore and I can not walk even without pain......leson learned.....do some stretches before hand. groan so now i am out of commision again til I can at least stand with no pain.

Ok well anyway I will end this for now as I can't really think of much else to say I just thought I would try to be better at updating every so often.

from my perspective....life is not so bad if you try to make the best of what you got

missing pieces
put together
I was lost
and now I'm found
puzzle coming together

I have no idea where to even begin. A long time before my dad died he had a feud with the rest of his family and they cut him out. cutting a parent out quite often involves cutting the children off also - even if you never meant to. 2 members of my dads family came to his funeral. I have not seen any of them in years. I was always sad about that. Well I was facebooking and I got a friend request from one of my cousins (well 2nd cousins - the kid of my cousin) All my 1st cousins on my dads side are a lot older then me. Anyway long story short I am now in touch with Whitney, Kara and Stephanie. I have sent requests to Ted and Christopher as well. We are all planning on getting together this summer. I know it's not much but it is really the only thing I have and it feels like a peice of me that has been missing is coming into place. I know that none of my dads family even really liked him, the younger cousins I mentions probably barely even remember him. I guess this is going to be a journy but I just want to KNOW my family. I am happy and it kind of feels like home.

I am going to try to write in my blog far more often. Facebook seems to have stolen my blogging time....so addictive lol.

I am moving on Saturday. I have been so stressed out with packing and all of a sudden I realized that I get to unpack it all in a few days - so annoying ha!

I am not sure why I have to downsize yet again but I really had no other choice at the moment. I am proud of the person I am becoming even though I have no idea why I have to do this. I am really just tired of so much. Not in a bad way. Just tired. Tired of questioning why. Tired of fighting it. tired of trying to prove myself. I would rather just BE. I mean there are a couple of things I am not "over" but for the most part I just want to "go with the flow". I am learning not to care what people think when I say no - they get frustrated and I am learning to like not caring if they get mad. LOL that sounds funny but it feels good! Anyway lol just my thoughts at the moment because I felt like writing a blog :)

from my perspective...i can't wait to feel settled in

I'm thinking of you today.

I am trying to remember the last birthday wish I gave you



I am blank



I hate that I can't remember



It freaks me out that I can't hear how you sound anymore - I can't recall



Anyway You would have have been 65 today and I am thinking of you



from my perspective...i wish i could remember some of the little things

Wow it feels like forever and a day since I last wrote anything but you all know how the christmas season goes....busy busy busy. All work and no play for this girl and now that the holidays are over I am full swing preparing for my move in a few weeks. Not sure what it will be like to live with jeff (my friend nothing more - considering the facts and all lol). I think there will be a few tence drama queen moments for both of us but we work opposite shifts so it may not be so bad. I guess only time will tell I suppose. some things I resolve to do this year are:

1) spend more time away from work - take less call in's and more sick/personal days
2) in doing that spend less time annalyzing plans and just be more spontanious - I am only going to live once right
3)Take more time to myself and be assertive with people when I don't want to do something

basically my idea is that this year is all about me. It may sound selfish but if you really know me you will know that last year I drowned myself in work - no time for friends and for sure no time for me. I want to laugh more and be cranky less and this is the only way I can see that happening. So to all of you a happy happy new year and take more time to spend with the people you love and taking care of yourselves!!

So far the highlight of my december and the worst thing that happened to me this december both happened on the same day! Dec 6, 2007 started off as a fantastic day - IT WAS BON JOVI DAY!!! I know I have seen them 5 times now SO FAR but it's always super exciting for me (see photo below lol) But as I was getting ready I dropped a battary charger - not a cell phone one - one of those big one's you plug into the wall for rechargables. I dropped it from about 6 feet up off a shelf directly onto my bare toe - BROKE IT. Do you think that stopped me from having a fantastic time at the concert?!!! NO WAY! Apart from that I have not really done anything exciting lately - you know me and my disease and all "chronic workalotis" I even work christmas day. and today I am on day 7 or a 10 day stretch - groan. Oh well I need the money to get gifts and concert tickets and stuff :P Stay tuned for February....my birthday month and going to see rascal flatts with Jeff and moving in to a house with Jeff - Move over Will and Grace you aint got nothin on us - ok so we're pretty much identical - pfft

To Do Today:

get dressed
go to the grocerty store
bring food home
put it away
bring laundry up to bedroom
fold it and put it away
call about new tires
go out and get gas
go pick up tash and Jerome
go pick up jeff
go to swiss chalet to meet ben
drive all them home and go home

sometimes I feel like my days off are not my own. everyone has something they want from me mostly time. I just sometimes feel like I never seem to have a time when no one wants me. It's annoying, it's nice, it's frustrating, it's nice

mostly it is tiring and makes me a little cranky
I kinda want a vacation away from EVERYONE

ok have to start my list