Ok so it has been a few days since I last blogged but I am trying to adapt to a "if you can't say anything nice don't say nothing at all" mentality so I just didn't write anything.

It was nice to see Roxy after work today waiting for me when I came outside - even though she scared me because I was not expecting her lol

It was nice to talk to Joanne last night and find out baby number 3 is also boy number 3 - now just have to wait for his grand entrance!

It was nice to be able to work to pay bills even though work is just not nice - I have a job at least.

I think a tent in Alberta driving brats to school for 77 bucks an hour sounds like a fun adventure lol - come on are we not all about adventures?

from my perspective...i need way more adventure in my life

not going to complain about my job
trying to be thankful for it
trying to understand why it is so hard to find a new one

not going to complain about a lack of social life
trying to be thankful I have life in my body at all
trying to understand why I am so discontent when some friends are having some really major issues in their lives right now

Hello all

I just got the latest update from my friend Ellen. As you will read it is not looking very good so who ever reads this who prays or even if you don't it may be a good time to start. Please say a prayer for them:

I am ok...a little sad today and barely holding it together but I will be ok...I finally heard back about the neurological stuff and it does not look good...because of the promise Jeff made me make to him about not letting him be this way, I have discussed it with both his mom and his dad and yesterday at the family meeting with the doctors, I had to ask what our options were as far as his future....I gave them the ok to not resusitate him should anything come up again that makes him crash...then I cried and cried and cried....so...not a good day but I cannot dwell on it cause I am teary eyed again as I write this....I will be ok though...dont worry...it is still a game of waiting....god knows how I love that...but we wait...if things change and he starts to make progress then I can change my mind on the resusitation thing. I really dont like having this as my responsibility...I know I will do the right thing for Jeff but for probably the first time ever, I care what other people will think...I dont want anyone who cares about Jeff to think I did this on purpose cause it was easier for me or something, you know? He made me promise not to let him be this way and this decision is the hardest thing I have ever had to make. I know the doctors dont hold out much hope for much more of a recovery then what we have already seen...they said it usually happens with young people within the first two to four days after waking up ( the full recovery if it is going to happen). They also told me that my decision was the most compassionate and caring thing to do...that really made me cry because I really didn't want to do it...I would have loved to be selfish but I am a woman of my word...Jeff and I really talked about this...he even asked me to make sure I still watch out for Johnathan and take him sometimes on our weekends etc. I am so glad he looked at all options and decided for himself because I dont think I could have said what I did yesterday if he hadn't stressed it was what he wanted. I never said I was perfect...every once in a while I would like to be selfish too, you know?

The really shitty part is that he seems to be doing great today...he has been awake for a while today and he watched a movie with me...he is doing most of the things I ask him too, like opening or closing his eyes, sticking his tongue out, and I swear to god he is trying to talk to me...can't make out anything he is saying but he is definately trying...I guess, the way I see it is this...if he shows an improvement...I can always change my mind on what I have said....so for now...I still wait.


There is always the chance of a miracle...right???? Long shot I know but I believe in 'em.

Anyhoo...I just snuck on today (to the internet I mean), so I should be going...I will e-mail again tomorrow.

It was heart breaking to watch you sob today.
to see you hurting so badly
I wanted to be able to say something to make it better
instead I said nothing that would help
but I rubbed your back and hugged you

I want to have faith in miracles
that God will heal your marriage
that you would not feel that you made a big mistake
but most of all that you would be happy again

the smiling giggling baby talking kind person that you are

I hope that a couple days at your moms helps put perspective in both your minds

from my perspective...my heart is aching for my friend today.

Some of you have been asking about updates on my friend Ellen's fiance Jeff. Well the news has been so up and down that he still is not out of the woods yet. On August 16th ellen wrote:

Sorry for the delay in updates...someone else started to occupy the bed where the computer was...so I no longer had access....I am spending a bit of time with Taylor away from the hospital but will be back tomorrow so while I had access I thought I would send a GREAT update.

Woohoo...I finally have something promising to tell you all...this morning they took out the respirator tubes so there is not any trouble with breathing anymore...he seems to be stable though they are still giving him oxygen. They also took out the major IV's in his leg and now only have two in his arm...one for taking blood and one for medications. The nuerologists have not said what the EEG scan (which will show brain activity) has said yet but they did come in and do some manual tests.

I was a little afraid that Jeff was just seeing me as something he recognized (like comfort) but did not know exactly who I was...he just hasn't seemed to be really with it yet...today when they did the tests, they asked him to look right (he didn't), look left (which he did), look right again (which he did this time), look at your wife (and he looked at me...I smiled at him because I was so pleased he knew me, and when she kept asking him to look in other directions he didn't take his eyes off me....not for about two minutes...cheese... I know... but I loved every minute of it. They wanted him to get lots of sleep today, they figured it would be easy for him without the discomfort of the tubes, but he seems restless...so I would go over to the bed and tell him I was there and he would sort of dose off (at first), then I would give him a kiss on his cheek (his lips are swollen and sore from the tube and I didn't wanna hurt him) and he would lean in like I should kiss his lips, I would kiss the other cheek and he would lean the other way like I should again kiss his lips, so eventually I kissed his lips ever so gently and he tried to lick me. God, Bob and I laughed until we cried I think...he's a funny man, even when he is sick...haha.

Anyways...his attitude is promising...he tried to talk but I told him not too because it would hurt him still so we shall see what tomorrow brings. The nuerologists are doing tests still so I dont know where that is going but, they also said he shows great improvement.

Exciting I know...I think all of your prayers are working. Keep em comin'

Love you guys all...thanks for all the support...I will send updates whenever I can.

and then on Aug 17 she updated again:
Well, today is not as good as yesterday...he is tired...I mean, REALLLYYYYYYYY TIRED so I am hoping it is just that but he is not doing what we ask (probably just being stubborn), and is not trying to lick me today (though I did get a kiss...sort of). Anyways...they want him to rest so for now, i guess...I watch him sleep...LOL

Hopefully tomorrow will be brighter again.

As you can see she is really trying to stay posative and she makes some jokes but in her personal e-mails to me she has really been a wreck. Please keep Jeff in your toughts and prayers as well as Ellen and the kids.

Worried about a couple friend today.

My one friend just got married and she is sad that it doesn't "feel" different and that her husband is not home a lot.

My other friend sent me the following e-mail about her fiance yesterday. I have been keeping in contact and the only change is that he opened his eyes once but that's about it.


I am using a computer at the Hospital for a minute just so I can give you all an update.

Here is exactly what happened...Jeff has not been well recently. I did convince him to go to the hospital finally on Sunday morning way in the early morning hours and they admitted him. They gave him antibiotics and monitored him etc. Then they released him On Tuesday morning around 11 and he seemed to be doing fine. He spent the day with his dad and Taylor and after work I went to pick him up. We went to a few car dealerships just to look around and see what was new...get him a little fresh air and a bit of excercise, nothing strenuous, just walking...he still was fine. We went home and he went outside to light the bar-b-q, when he came back in he grabbed a glass of juice and was joking with my mom about getting a regular excercise schedule/routine going...no more laying around etc. He grabbed at his upper stomach like he had a pain then he seemed dizzy cause he grabbed the dishwasher for balance. I was behind him cleaning out the fridge, I heard my mom say something and I turned to see what was going on just intime to catch him as he fell backwards. Amazingly, I did not drop him...I was very proud of myself for that one...he is a tad larger then me afterall. Anyways, I gently laid him down and looked at me...his eyes roled back in his head and he gasped once then gurgled....I yelled at my mom to go call 911 and screamed for Jeffs dad who was outside....he strated going blue in the face and around his lips and I really started to panic....Bob made it in the house quickly and I'm sure I alarmed all the neighbours to the problem because we all know I have a huge mouth when I need too...LOL Anyways, we started CPR and the paramedics were there I would guess within approx. 10 minutes, they took over and had to use the paddles on his chest... They put a tube through his nose and into his lungs to help him breath, regulated his heart and took him to Bowmanville Hospital...They then airlifted him to Toronto General which is where we still are...he was too sick for them to handle...they say though that the CPR saved his life...so I say I get a lifetime pass, free of any complaints, and he can never bitch at me again...I am sure he will agree when he finally wakes up.

He is on a resusitation system so it helps him with his breathing, his left lung has collapsed and is slowly refilling on its own...that is a good sign. Wednesday they had to use the paddles on him twice through the night and then about 15 to 20 times just before noon yesterday because his heart was beating in a way that could have killed him...they used the paddles so much and gave him the drugs to slow his heart down that once it actually took, they had to put a wire in his leg up to his heart and attach a pace maker because his heart beat was then too slow.

Thursday, they took him for a test on his lungs to find out why it collapsed as well as see if it going to get better, and another chest x-ray as well, then they stopped sedating him to give him the chance to come out of his coma and allow the neurologists to see if there is any damage there. They are unsure what will happen...it does not look that great but there is still hope...we still have to wait 72 hours from when they stopped sedation to see what happens...the tests yesterday show that there is brain stem activity but nothing in his actual brain. We have come to discover that the reason for the collapse was a clot in his heart. Pneumonia probably added to the stress and a combination caused the lung collapse.

I promise to keep you all informed of any updates...especially now that I know I can sneak in and use this computer every once in a while. Whatever you all do...please do not ask me to explain this in person because each time I try, I ball....it is just too hard to say all this out oud....it just makes it that much more real, you know? Anyways...I will talk to you all as soon as I know something more.


Ellen

Can you believe I have been accused of being a "blogslacker" lol ok so I know it's true. It's been busy with the move and work - which I am not even going to get into at the moment. But I am starting to get settled - ok if that were true would I have had a full car for the last week and a half? Oh Beth your mission should you choose to accept it is to get all the stuff OUT of your car THIS WEEKEND - sigh. Maybe I should go for a swim in the communal pool today? I want to beat the children there and from what I have observed there is never anyone in the pool when it first opens. Hmmmmm - I could be on to something lol. I feel like I just ran out of things to say all of a sudden lol...I guess thats a sign to get moving!

I have been far too busy to update you all but I survived another move on a day where it was WAY too hot to be alive let alone move things into a non air conditioned house.I had to finally break down and go buy one because I have never sweated that much in my life. I digusted myself lol. Anyway now comes the task of unpacking and I must admit that seems a little nerve wracking too because well when you have moved as much as I have you become a little skeptical that places will work out. It does feel strange living with someone again. But I mean durring the last 12 years I have slept at the Laings house enough and been to enough of their family functions to feel like Steve is like a brother to me so I feel I can trust him not to screw me over like other room mates. Anyway such is life I have that song from Annie in my head right now

"I think I'm gonnnnnnaaaaaaa liiiiiiike it heeeeeeeeeeeeere"

Anyway apart from that work is - well ya
I am going to be looking for a new job harder then ever. I still have not heard back from a job I applied to through Lorraine but I hope I do soon