I am exhausted...

oh my word I just watched the movie called seven pounds starring will smith. wow. it left me speachless really and feeling very overwhelmed and a bit sad. fantastic movie though I am not going to spoil anything for anyone but I smell an oscar or two for this one!

I say it over and over again that i am horrible at keeping up with my blog. in the day and age of facebook and myspace and all the other pages we visit obsessivley it can be difficult to remember to actually blog. Christmas 2008 has come and gone and I really am blessed! I am thankful for the very well thought out gifts I recieved from a crock pot to a pink tool kit and a photo magazine subscription to a freeset bag. www.stopthetraffik.org check it out such an amazing cause! i wanted to wish you all love and happiness and a SAFE new year. don't make resolutions just be the best you that you can be! Dont drink and drive!

Much love, and more to come in 2009 - I promise!

Cross my heart and hope to die...

but PLEASE no more needles in my eye!!!!

I had my 4th treatment yesterday of Avastin.

It is injected right into my eye.

While it was true, it was not as bad this time around as it was last time (horrible) it still leaves very little to be desired.

Now I wait

wait

wait

wait

6 weeks to wait

.

.

.

.

.

It seems my life as a pin cushion involves a lot of wait and see.

it is frustrating

it is tiring

it makes me want to give up

but I cannot even THINK that far in the future of this without panicing a little

so I wait

I am so excited

Jason Mraz is performing again in Toronto

I did not go last time because well most of my friends were like

"Jason who??"

PFFFT

He is AMAZING!!!!!!

There is a friend at work who I found

with a mutual love of all things Mraz!!

We are trying to score some tickets.

I really should not spend my money on so many different concert tickets but then again i did nothing all summer but work. Why not see a few shows!

I'll be seeing New Kids on the Block twice in September lol and then Jason's show is October at Massy hall!

weeeeeeeeeeee - I feel delighted

My eye specialist said that the problem looks better and treatment seems to be working

I have to make changes
no more smoking
that is hard
and different foods and vitamins

and remove things from my diet

It's an adjustment but I have to do everything I can to promote healthy eyes - it's just a no brainer

So, opposed to smoking half a pack of smokes or more a day I immediatley tried cold turkey which was a BAD SCENE
so I went the next day with 5 smokes
yesterday I had 4 today I am only having 3 and so on

from my perspective...it's a no brainer

I hurt for you

But she is free

I know she is with Jesus

but you are left here

I'm so sorry my friend

if I could take away your pain

and bring her back I would

There is comfort in knowing she soars now

her pain is gone and she smiles

while you cry

I'm so sorry my friend.

I fEeL tOrN

EmOtIoNs TwIrLiNg

WhIrLiNg

A tImE tO cElAbRaTe

BuT yEt, To GrEiVe

JoY, pAiN.

lAuGhTeR, tEaRs.

My HeArT iS hEaVy,

My HeArT iS LiGhT.

i'M tHrILLeD aT tHe NeWs,

I'm TeRiFiEd At ThE nEwS.

cOnGrAtUlAtIoNs AnD cOnDoLeNcEs

I aM tOrN.

This is my room mate Jeff. He just let me set up a little photo studio in the basement and so i took some shots of him a couple of nights ago and this one is my favorite. I need actual real lighting so I don't have to carry around a little lamp ha ha ha But anyway I just thought I would blog that my little studio in the basement makes me happy

from my perspective...I need studio lights

I have had a hard time. I am trying to figure out maybe not the answers at this point but the lesson in the mean time. Is it simply to be more assertive and stand up for myself? Or is it that no matter how hard I try I still end up screwing SOMETHING up? I try to work hard and make sure I am doing everything they ask of me but there is always something else.

I sometimes don't know how to "fix" me

It's been another long while since I have blogged.....again I procrastinate. Perhaps it is not so much a matter of procrastinating as not really having much to say really. I work too much, as usual. I want to be that I work to live not live to work. That being said I finally opened up a savings account. I need to be doing more things in life that I have been meaning to or dreaming of. No more excuses. If I am a little broke after well so be it I had FUN! I guess I just have been noticing lately that my life seems to get put on hold an aweful lot for others and for my work. That is just not acceptable. Here I am, I wake up and I am 32. For one how did THAT happen and for another how am I so far behind on my list of to do's in life?! In my job I realize, for reasons beyond me, I have consumed myself to the point of not having any social life. I have sacrificed some of the most important things to me. I rarely get to church anymore. I have dwindled my trips to see my nephew to ONCE A YEAR (that is HORRIBLE). I don't do as much photography as I would like. I plan my life around when I work and when I am on call. what is wrong with this picture *cough - people pleaser - cough* I know this sounds like a repeat blog and what I blog about every time I write. BROKEN RECORD. Is there a support group out there for yes people? people pleasers? work-o-holics? people who work extra hours simply because they don't have kids and are doing favors for people who do? I went to see my nephew a couple of weekends ago and I never knew how liberating it could be to just - get ready - turn the cell phone OFF!!! I want to do that more. Ok well here are some recents of my wonderful and amazing nephew, just turned 10 (have I mentioned I have no idea how this happens lol)

Ok well on a positive note some of the things I have been trying to do are go to more concerts lol. So far this year I have seen Bon Jovi, Hedley, Rascall Flatts, Kelly Pickler and in September I am going with my friend to see.......NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK!! ha ha ha ha LOVES IT! And Natasha beddingfield is the opening act! Oh I also saw daughtry as well! I would also like to take more little roadtrips and day off get aways (depending on the darn price of gas that is!) I will keep you posted how the rest of the summer goes....you know, see if I actually reach my goals!

from my perspective...our lives are only as fun as we make them and you only live once so live it to the fullest!

April Fools!!

April Showers Bring May Flowers!!

Well we have the showers and i am the fool lol. Either way Happy "it's about stinking time it's starting to feel like spring day"

The new living arangment has been for the last almost 2 months and it is going far better then I ever thought it would. Jeff and I have not even fought once. There have been a couple times we were annoyed with each other but it's been good. I know that he owns the house and I just rent a room but it really feels like he treats this like it is half mine and that is a nice feeling. It feels like home and we are having a good time living together.

Work is also going ok. I have been busy but I am not putting in as many hours as I used to and work seems to be calling me far less which really makes me glad. They have actually just approved me and the other manager to start doing 4 10 hour days a week with 3 days off and then we are still doing the 3 weekends off rotation so every 3 weeks I end up with 6 days in a row off and then every 3 weeks I work 7 or 8 days in a row. A small price to pay for getting a vacation every 3 weeks!

On another side note I have, through facebook, reconnected with a bunch of people I went to grade school and highschool with. Now the weird thing is they may have been my friends in grade school but in highschool they hated me and were terrible to me. So I thought ok I will accept their friend requests because people do grow up and all. Anyway I have been invited to an inproptu highschool reunion in June. I said I would go but then I got thinking - none of these people liked me - let alone were nice to me. I told my mom and she actually said "maybe they are going to beat you up again" lol. I don't know why I want to go but I do. Maybe it will be good. Either way it will be really nice to go home....even though home doesn't seem like home anymore when your family is all gone. I think maybe I will take some time to go visit my old houses and maybe even reflect. The last time I went home was for my dad's memorial service 3 years ago.

So...thinking ahead to this reunion I think time to hit the gym hardcore and anyway I over did it and pulled a muscle - very sore and I can not walk even without pain......leson learned.....do some stretches before hand. groan so now i am out of commision again til I can at least stand with no pain.

Ok well anyway I will end this for now as I can't really think of much else to say I just thought I would try to be better at updating every so often.

from my perspective....life is not so bad if you try to make the best of what you got

missing pieces
put together
I was lost
and now I'm found
puzzle coming together

I have no idea where to even begin. A long time before my dad died he had a feud with the rest of his family and they cut him out. cutting a parent out quite often involves cutting the children off also - even if you never meant to. 2 members of my dads family came to his funeral. I have not seen any of them in years. I was always sad about that. Well I was facebooking and I got a friend request from one of my cousins (well 2nd cousins - the kid of my cousin) All my 1st cousins on my dads side are a lot older then me. Anyway long story short I am now in touch with Whitney, Kara and Stephanie. I have sent requests to Ted and Christopher as well. We are all planning on getting together this summer. I know it's not much but it is really the only thing I have and it feels like a peice of me that has been missing is coming into place. I know that none of my dads family even really liked him, the younger cousins I mentions probably barely even remember him. I guess this is going to be a journy but I just want to KNOW my family. I am happy and it kind of feels like home.

I am going to try to write in my blog far more often. Facebook seems to have stolen my blogging time....so addictive lol.

I am moving on Saturday. I have been so stressed out with packing and all of a sudden I realized that I get to unpack it all in a few days - so annoying ha!

I am not sure why I have to downsize yet again but I really had no other choice at the moment. I am proud of the person I am becoming even though I have no idea why I have to do this. I am really just tired of so much. Not in a bad way. Just tired. Tired of questioning why. Tired of fighting it. tired of trying to prove myself. I would rather just BE. I mean there are a couple of things I am not "over" but for the most part I just want to "go with the flow". I am learning not to care what people think when I say no - they get frustrated and I am learning to like not caring if they get mad. LOL that sounds funny but it feels good! Anyway lol just my thoughts at the moment because I felt like writing a blog :)

from my perspective...i can't wait to feel settled in

I'm thinking of you today.

I am trying to remember the last birthday wish I gave you



I am blank



I hate that I can't remember



It freaks me out that I can't hear how you sound anymore - I can't recall



Anyway You would have have been 65 today and I am thinking of you



from my perspective...i wish i could remember some of the little things

Wow it feels like forever and a day since I last wrote anything but you all know how the christmas season goes....busy busy busy. All work and no play for this girl and now that the holidays are over I am full swing preparing for my move in a few weeks. Not sure what it will be like to live with jeff (my friend nothing more - considering the facts and all lol). I think there will be a few tence drama queen moments for both of us but we work opposite shifts so it may not be so bad. I guess only time will tell I suppose. some things I resolve to do this year are:

1) spend more time away from work - take less call in's and more sick/personal days
2) in doing that spend less time annalyzing plans and just be more spontanious - I am only going to live once right
3)Take more time to myself and be assertive with people when I don't want to do something

basically my idea is that this year is all about me. It may sound selfish but if you really know me you will know that last year I drowned myself in work - no time for friends and for sure no time for me. I want to laugh more and be cranky less and this is the only way I can see that happening. So to all of you a happy happy new year and take more time to spend with the people you love and taking care of yourselves!!