After working 10 days in a row I was very excited for a day off on the weekend!!!
but lo and behold 5:45am my phone rings and someone called in sick so off I go to work for 7 - 11 days in a row on about 3 hours sleep

"Hurt"

By Christina Aguilara

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

You told me how proud you were but I walked away

If only I knew what I know todayI would hold you in my arms

I would take the pain away

Thank you for all you've done

Forgive all your mistakes

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To hear your voice again

Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit

Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss

You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?

Would you help me understand?

Are you looking down upon me?

Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't doTo have just one more chance

To look into your eyes and see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself

If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much thatI've missed you since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous

It's so out of line to try to turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself

By hurting you

I just wanted to take the time to wish everyone a merry christmas and happy new year lots of love check ya in the new year!

I found myself with some time on my hands this afternoon while waiting for the dryer to do it's job and I thought I would write a little something.

something

HA HA HA am I funny or what lol

I am thinking today about some things I have been appreciating the last couple of days

1. Ikea in the day time is not very busy
2. Christmas songs on the radio
3. unexpected gifts from friends - hellllllllo digital camera!!
4. even short visits with friends I don't see often
5. the ability to just say what I have been wanting to say for a while to someone and that someone recieving it in a positive way - I am glad I could say it and it made me feel better that you were understanding that I was not mad at you - just frustrated with the circumstances
6. that I can see almost perfect out of 1 eye - better then not seeing at all right
7. that I am not on call this week
8. that my grandpa was not seriously hurt when he fell down the stairs last week - he's still sore and has to use a walker at the moment but did not break anything
9. that I got the day off last saturday to spend with my family and jeff's birthday party. It was so good to just see extended relatives and their kids!
10. that joanne and ryan and the boys and NEW BABY will be here tomorrow!

Well here I am again squeezing in a quick blog between work and an errand lol. Today I am going to go meet roxy's friend - oh no I can't remember her name lol. Roxy thinks we would like each other.

Anyway, I don't really have anything exciting to say. I work all durring the holidays 10 days in a row. I don't even know what the point of saying things at work to stick up for myself anymore. I seem to be like the wind no one really listens to.

The new year will HAVE to bring some changes. I have some thinking to do but I have been so busy at work I have not had time to think.

Ok well enough griping and complaining I need to stay positive and upbeat

that is all

I say good day!

I am not sure if anyone else feels like this this Christmas but my issue is this is usually the case AFTER you buy the gifts. Because of my recent eye injection that I had to pay for I am starting off like this. I know that Christmas is not about the gifts but it's hard not to feel bad. I have had to go without some things lately in order just to even get some really cheap gifts for my family. I am trying to think of other ways that I can give them something worth while and make up some kind of gift card for like - I will clean your car or I will scrub your toilet - you know all the things people hate to do. I hate to do them too but I want to give people something meaningful that they can really say thanks I hate that job and you are going to do it for me lol. If anyone has some good ideas please let me know! Anyway. That's all for now I have to raid my piggy bank now to see if I can afford a coffee with my friend lol - desperate times call for desperate mesasures and I REALLLLLLLY want a timmy's lol

in case I don't post again before Christmas I wish you all a beautiful holiday time with family and loved ones and may the new year bring happiness and wonderful memories!!

I forgot to post this picture last week. It is myself and Richard, My pen pal from Ireland. He was in toronto for a couple of days and I got the chance to meet him after close to 2 years of e-mails and the such. Anyway I thought I would share the picture (I look kinda bad because we had been out in the wind downtown toronto for a couple of hours at that point lol)

Well I survived last week - I did not post because I worked 52 hours and was freaking exhausted. There really is nothing too new and exciting in my world these days and all. Pretty boring I know but that is the life of a single working gal at times. don't see enough of my friends for various reasons. Don't see enough of my home for other various reasons (WORK).

I Had a great talk with an old friend on MSN last night and it was so good to do some catching up - even if some of it was a little surprizing lol.

my room mate got a cat and I am allergic and he shuts him in the basement when he goes to work and I acn hear the poor thing meowing and I feel terrible but I have to work tonight I can't be all stuffy and sneezy - oh it's so mean I know but I TOLD him I am allergic

I have another injection in my eye tomorrow morning and I am NOT looking forward to that in the least. I just hope it works and speaking of working I need to go get ready

I feel sentimental today
Steve has not put a christmas tree up in the living room yet so I went out to the garage and got my charlie brown christmas tree out and set it up in my bedroom and decorated it while listening to Christmas music.

That was the one thing, the one tradition where the only fight I can remember having in our family was who got to put the angel on the top of the tree that year.

We would put on the christmas cartoons and order pizza and decorate the house and sing along to the christmas cartoons you know - rudolf, the grinch, frosty and when we got older it didn't matter to us that cartoons were for kids it was just a given we would watch them and quote every line!

smiles, laughter, fun and happiness were not normal at my house and this is why I cherished this tradition so much. But today there was no pizza, and no family. Just me in my jammies in my bedroom singing along to my cd of christmas music and remembering days gone by with fond memories and a little tear in my eye.

I wish I could have even 5 minutes in that day again - even just to hear the sounds. I will just have to keep on cherishing them and looking forward to new beautiful memories.

from my perspective...i wish i could hear the laughter again

Well HE'S HERE!!!

Lucas Robert Ryan Friesen was born last night!!

Ryan and Joanne (Laing) welcomed in their 3rd boy into the world last night Sunday Nov 19th!!!

He weighed 7 pounds not sure how many ounces (lol)

Jo was in hard labour for just under 1 hour - she has babies very quickly!!

Anyway I am just very happy for them. She says this concludes their family lol no more thats it.

Can't wait to meet Lucas when they come home for Christmas!

Just an update for the sake of updating lol

sorry to all the friends I have not had a chance to see much this week

We have a huge new client at work and it's been busy busy and we have about 6 more starting over the next couple weeks so that is going to bring in some money for us so we can actually HIRE more people so that is exciting! Anyway I am well and happy these days.

ok that's my life to date

I am sitting here at the computer and as I type there is a rather handsome man laying on my bed
blond hair and blue eyes
watching my tv

ok so it's only Jeff lol

Just wanted to be silly

It's nice to get visits every so often

or having lunch with him on his break at work

even when he purposley makes me crazy annoying me just "because I love the reaction I get"

well I figured I have not blogged anything in a while I would today

It's rainy and cold and I have to go to work soon but ya

thats all

it's cold in my office right now

I have many thoughts running through my head at the moment and not sure what to do about them lol

thoughts that shall remain locked on the inside

sometimes they are better when they stay locked up lol

on a total different topic

why do I feel so often like I want to do things just to prove a point?

I know this is such a random blog and there are no background comments and no one has any idea what I am refering to or talking about and I am not about to start to even tell anything lol

ok enough of that

My sister is getting married!!

I am very excited about that however as the maid of honor in a city 3.5 hours away from her she is making it kind of difficult to help her start planning when she is not returning my phone calls or e-mails - hmph - I guess she is busy.

I wonder how my nephew feels about this? I have not had the chance to ask him where Tina is not around - he tells me secrets - I am the cool aunty. I hope that he is feeling good about it. If he is not I will try to help him understand. Because She is happier then I have ever seen her so I know Chris is good for her.

I am still not seeing any better and the eye surgery was a week ago

from my perspective....my eye is pissin me off

in all fairness I need to say a friend of mine brought up the following concerning information about the flu shot that I have never seen in any of the documents I have read. I think it is so important that we research ALL the facts and I thought I would add his information now -

"The best protection from infectious diseases (and the flu) is a robust immune system and healthy daily habits - NOT the flu shot.In fact, if you have taken the flu shot more than 8 times in the last 10 years you have an 80% chance of getting Alzheimers. Now THERE'S an encouraging fact!That said, get the facts about the flu shot. Although it's becoming increasingly difficult to separate facts from the hype created by the media and the government, the facts are out there.There are potential dangers to the flu vaccine. Two years ago I had a reation to the flu shot that made my head spin for 6 weeks - literally. I experienced Benign Positional Vertigo within 24 hours of the shot and I couldn't get out of bed.I would encourage you to do some research and consider visiting a Naturopathic Doctor. There are alternatives for staying healthy and you should look into them. "

So be very thorough in your research because I had NO IDEA. Not like any of you would have run out and got a flu shot just because I said to or anything lol. Just be informed!

just a quick note

surgery was done today

did NOT enjoy any part of it

have the flu to top it off

goodnight irene I am off to bed

I wish that the flu shots were not delayed - They are just starting to administer them to the long term health care facilities. Still not available to the common folk like us. I believe I am coming down with a flu/cold. I am such a flu shot advocatate too - I think they should have at least sent me one for being so preachy about getting a flu shot. Sigh. I go through spurts of tiredness and general run down feavery type symptoms. I sound like ScoobyDoo in the morning and I have a scratchy "gunky" throat. Maybe it is a low immune system from stress or working too much but I just want it gone. I cannot afford to call in sick tomorrow - I only had 3 shifts this week because I am getting my eye surgery on Thursday. Anyway - GET YOUR FLU SHOTS AS SOON AS YOU CAN!

from my perspective...i need a nap

2 days away from oshawa
not enough
back at work right now

had fun times with rox and her grandma "if ya know what I mean" lol we said that after just about every sentance and even had grandma saying it too lol

too funny

had some "video therapy" on the drive home and put the video camera on the dashboard lol man we are really quite funny - maybe you would not think so but I really don't care lol

bed time stories
"I'll never sit on a slot machine chair again"
going for a drive to tims listening to dane and laughing histerically while the guys in the car next to us try to listen in - sheesh buy your own cd lol
singing like opera stars
literal actions - "some say loooooove it is a razer..."

I felt like I was a mess - pretty sure I looked like it too but Roxy didn't mention it and for that I am happy

pretty sad when you look forward to eye surgery to get away

from my perspective....i am tired

"missing: Crazy Old Times Beth - wanted alive - reward"

a quote from Tammy and Roxy


Yes, it is true, I can admit it. I am no longer the person I used to be. It's good to have friends to remind me that they miss the crazy old times me. How I was. Spontanious, photo taking, crazy, fun me. It is troublesome to have a mini intervention on my behalf - having my friends worry about my stress level and actually tell me they are taking me away even just for a road trip. I see the concern in their eyes and I know I work a lot - too much and I know work makes me cry and hurt and feel like puking. I don't know how I ever got to this point in my life where I do this. Answer the phone every time it rings, scared for my job if I don't work 10 days without a day off, where I actually permit them to question why I am not putting off things like eye surgery to suit their staffing coverage needs. When I stand up for myself getting the run around or being told somehow I MUST have been responcible - "approching the situation in the wrong way" - uh sorry I am going blind let me rethink how else I could approach that WITHOUT having to take time off for a surgery - WHAT EVER WAS I THINKING??

sigh

from my perspective...smashing on call cell phones and punching people is NOT an option...is it?

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Well here's a good update lol

When I worked at minacs about 2 years ago I had a friend there who was also into photography and I made a deal with him and paid him 750 dollars in installments for his medium format camera. He started having some stress issues and attendance problems and then stopped coming to work altogether and well I never got the camera from him. I searched high and low to track him down and then just figured I had lost my money and tried to move on and forget about it. Anyway last night I was browzing through friends of my friends on myspace - ok ok I was bored and all and I happened to see his picture. My jaw dropped open and I sent him a nice little note asking about the camera and he replied to me today and he asked me where I want him to drop it off to me. I know it does not seem like much but this is the best thing that has happened to me lately. I'll probably just turn around and sell the camera now but I also asked him if he was still selling his digital slr - perhaps he would give me that one instead - that would be even better. Either way I am just glad that after 2 years I am finally able to be peaceful about that whole situation. So thats my story for today and I am glad

It's been a little while since I wrote something so I thought maybe I should

Not sure what to say though

I had a job opportunity that came up but unfortunatley I did not get it

I went to my friends birthday dinner last night that was fun it was good to see some people I had not seen in a long time

I am feeling the urge to travel again and just get away from here and relax but I cannot afford to go anywhere.

Ok this has got to be one of the more pointless blogs I have written it's just nothing exciting has happened to me in a little while so I am not so sure what to say

from my perspective...i miss the sunshine

The final update.

My friend Ellen's Fiance Jeff passed away today.
He was in his early 30's (maybe 31)
He has a young son and Ellen's daughter who was like a step daughter.

There will be a "celebration of Jeff's life"
Held this Saturday in Jeff's favorite pub in Bowmanville
He is being cremated and the actual funeral will just be family.

Please continue to pray or send good thoughts out for Ellen and Jeff's family.
It's been devistating to them.

To think this started out as a cold that turned into pnumonia which turned fatal

makes you think

from my perspective...i am heartbroken for my friend

the latest update on my friend Ellen's fiance Jeff for those of you who have been asking - please pray if you pray and if you don't please at least think good thoughts for them:

I finally had the meeting with the ethics guy and we have convinced his dad to agree with myself and his mom that Jeff deserves better then this. His quality of life is not good at all and he shows no signs of getting any better. The doctors all agree that his prognosis is pretty bad and that any improvements he does make will be minimal so, we have all agrred to remove his heart meds and let nature take its course.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I cry a lot but I know that this is the one thing that I can actually do for him...it is the ONLY thing I can do for him and it is what he wanted. That he expressed prior to this incident the fact that he never wanted to be this way made everything a lot easier then it would have been otherwise so my advice to all of you is to write it down somewhere and give it to your family members because this could have happened to anyone...the ethics guy said he sees it every day and it is super hard on the families who are left behind...it is much harder when they have different opinions on what should be done...so...like I said...write it down and make sure people know what your choices are...I am sure that had Jeff not told someone other then just me...his dad would have fought me every inch of the way...he was just in denial and hoping for the best but it clouded his judgement for a while...you know?!

Anyways...to make a long story short...I am guessing that I will be hosting a funeral at some point within the next two weeks, but that is hard to call because it still all comes down to Jeff and his body's reactions to things so...I will let you all know if anything should happen...

from my perspective...this is such a hard thing for anyone to deal with or go through my heart breaks for her and the family so please remember them

Can you believe someone threw coffee all over my car in my work parking lot? See this happened a couple days ago but I was not certain, however, a guy that lives across the street in the apartments that I chat with when he walks his dog said he saw them do it. Nice eh

life must be pretty boring when you have to preform random acts of coffee throwing

jerks

Why is it so cold out - that just does not seem right
My toes feel like toecycles lol

went for lunch with Cheryl today
poor thing has such a bad cold and can't take anything for it
so we went to shoppers drug mart after and got her some
vitamin C (not the singer lol)

Tabitha wants me to go to the marsh with her tomorrow so she can see the turkey's
I told her friend or not if they came running she's on her own I'm outta there lol

Today is my last day on call - THANK GOD!
It's only been a week but it feels like a whole month

I have been working insane amounts and I can't wait just to get my days off and not have to talk to anyone from work

oh the joys of managment meetings they don't tell me about
or someone else doing the schedule and not even looking at peoples time off requests
then taking their day off only to let me deal with the complaints
then when I redo the schedule and post it for them to take it down and say it's not right
but not giving me a reason besides we need more coverage on wednesday because of the managment meeting - uh what meeting? I still don't know


from my perspective....i want a vacation

Ok so I thought I would share this little story with you all! Today is my day off so I thought hey, I'm gonna go out and see if I can get some good pictures for the Flickr assignment (on line photography group I am in). So I thought ok I will go to the Lynde Marsh in Whitby there is a lot of fun to be had there hand feeding the chipmunks and birds. So I stop at the store and buy a big bag of peanuts and head on over. So I was strolling along stopping every so often to play with the chipmunks and watch them shove peanuts in their cheeks and I kept hearing these unfarmiliar sounds that I figured was just the squirrels squacking - they do that you know. and so I venture deeper into the woods and start shaking the bag of peanuts to get the attention of all the critters when something catches my eye - somethings I should say and they are running straight at me - what in the world are they I think? Cranes?? oh my gosh they are getting really close - vultures? at this point I start backing up when I noticed there are like 6 of them - they are still running right at me - GOBBLE?? WHAT!! at this point I whipped the remaining peanuts at them and see a pack of wild turkeys pause to eat them and I HAD to snap a picture lol to prove it and then they started running at me again....I have never run so fast I was being chased out of the forrest by a pack of wild turkeys lol I passed a mother and her daughter and just said GOOOOOTURKEYS and we all booked it. I scared the little girl unfortunatley but once out of the forrest I could not stop laughing which makes it hard to catch your breath - will post the picture as soon as it is developed. Who knew assignments could be so dangerous?!

These are not the ones that were after me but they look exactly like them and there were about just as many lol

from my perspective...the marsh will never feel safe again lol

I moved the car this morning to go to church then descided I was too tired having worked 16 hours yesterday and then called in again this morning for a couple hours before finding someone else to come in and I parked on the road directly in front of my house because steve was in the drive way and there was no visitor parking and when I came out to go to work again I had a 75$ ticket for parking in a fire route


from my perspective...i should have gone to church

I should have knocked on wood or crossed my fingers or something because the midnight girl called in sick about 5 minutes after I posted my last blog - so I THINK I have it covered but nothing better go wrong tomorrow or I am jumping off the roof of my building onto someone's car lol - jokes but for real I will lose it

8 hours done - 8 more to go

I work too much

wish list:

that no one else would call in sick this weekend

that rent and car would pay for themselves so I could stay home and be a couch potatoe for a little while

that I would feel more appreciated

that I would know the words to say to express myself more assertivley (spelling??)

that the more you work the more you get what you want

for Roxy to win cash for life so she could take me on a vacation like she said she would - Roxy: "where do you want to go?" Beth: "you are talking and planning like you have already won" LOL

for my bed - I am soooooooo sleepy

that I would stop thinking that everyone at work craps on me

that I would start trying to remember that somehow, some way, hard work pays off - even when you are not getting a raise or better hours or weekends off


speaking of wishes the cutest thing yesterday my room mate's daughter said "Daddy? What do you wish for?" "grown up stuff Naomi - what do you wish for?" "skittles in a bowl" We all laughed

How simple things can be sometimes!

from my perspective...skittles in a bowl sound alright to me too

After I posted that first blog today I remembered how I wanted to write about the interesting souls that made me giggle today so here's to:

* the old man with the red plaid suit jacket, tan pants, white socks and black shoes
* the old man with a brown suit jacket and floral pants
* the young guy that looks like Napolean Dynomite who squats in front of tim hortons smoking cigarette butts that he finds on the ground
* the old man who looks like santa but dresses like a woman - wow did I do a double take white beard and all!

Sometimes I think living in Oshawa is dull and then I take a look around and am oddly thankful for these interesting splashes of colour that spice up the town. I think maybe people make fun of them or are creeped out by them because they are different, weird, not fitting into what society deems as "right". But really, how right would the world be if we were all the same? Maybe I was more blessed then I realized at the time to grow up the way I did. My dad being a pastor in a small town and he seemed to be the "weirdo magnet" He befriended so many odd or unlovable people. I like that I find amusment in looking at these people but even still I think they are special and am glad they are painting my town!

from my perspective...i am amused

I got an e-mail today from a friend who read my blog and was going to comment there but then chose to send it in the e-mail. It spoke to me very deeply and I wanted to share it in case anyone else needed to hear the same words. Friend who wrote this you know who you are - thank you! You are a beautiful friend who said the right thing at the right time to encourage me and I am very touched:

"I know how you are feeling. My dad was cremated and his ashes were scattered in B.C. somewhere, so I don't have a headstone or anything to visit and have closure. It is tough to know that we will never see our fathers again, or have to travel far distances to feel somewhat close to them. Then I remember, I don't need a tombstone or a place to visit to remember my dad. I can remember him right here. In my head, in my home and in my heart. That would mean more to him than visiting some cemetary, or tree or river, or whatever. We can be angry at our families for keeping our fathers so far away, but in reality, they are closer to us now then they ever were. We think of them every day instead of once a week when we forgot to call, (or whatever, but you know what I mean). Afterall, the only relationship we have with God is in our heads and in our hearts, yet we can feel so close to him at times. I somewhat believe that my father can hear me when I talk to him too. That somehow God relays the messages to him. Maybe you believe that too. After all we are somewhat alike, so I know that you probably talk to your dad in your car when your driving home from work, or when you are getting ready for your day, all while crying for what you miss/ed. (I do it all the time) And praying for him, eventhough he is probably in a place where he doesn't need prayers anymore. I know how you feel today. I care and I hope you feel better. Don't let your step mom take the good away from you that you do have. I love you. "

I went to Parkwood today
it's where I go to think or write or take photos
incidentally I did all 3 today

I got to thinking about my dad
well more about my step mom actually

I am hurt by her

for more reasons that I will mention on here today but the one that is the most at the moment is that she burried my dad so far away from me and my brother.

Ok I know you may be thinking that they lived in the states so that is where she would burry him, close to herself.

But then she moved across the country
she had all of my dads things and never told us where she went but that is a whole seperate issue for another day.

It hit me today that for 1 I have never been to his grave and 2 now that she is no longer there there is no one there to visit his grave. I kinda felt like he had been reduced to a headstone ya know.

This may not seem like such a huge deal but it really bothered me.

oh I have no idea where I am trying to go with this

I went there to try to think about where I am going in life and what I want to do and stuff

ya ok

random thoughts I know

whatever

from my perspective...i am confused today

I am going to be somewhat of a Guinea Pig

Well I went to go for my 2nd eye surgery yesterday and when she looked at my eye she chose not to do it. What the lazer surgery was for was to zap the vessles in the back of my eye that were leaking and stop them from bleeding in the back of my eye. Looks like the first lazer did it's job. So then I am sitting there thinking why can't I see then but she answered my question before I asked. The reason is because I still have a pool of "liquid" as she called it sitting at the back of my eye which is why I have absolutley no central vision in that eye - no joke it was like how many fingers and the answer was I can't even see your hand. Anyway Dr. Baziuk then went on to tell me a few options I had and the cheapest one that from what I have been researching has a GREAT outcome but still very experimental is called Avastin. It is a drug used in colon and rectal cancer patience and don't even ask me how they figured out that it helps your eyes but if it helps me see then I am willing to pay the 200 bucks a needle. I would have to have 2-4 treatments, 1 every 6-8 weeks. It is not your every day needle in the arm though - oh no - it's IN MY EYE BALL. I considered posting a picture of the treatment on here but I thought perhaps you are sqeamish. If you are not you can go on google and check it out

http://images.google.ca/images?hl=en&q=avastin%20in%20the%20eye&sa=N&tab=wi

all I did was type in avastin in the eye and clicked on images and boom there ya go. So I have to go for my 3rd Fluorescein angiography since march on October 17th (it is a test where they inject you with dye and photograph the back and inside of your eye) and then I will either need another lazer AND the avastin or just the avastin. If the lazer is needed it will be Oct 26 if it is just the needle it's the 19th

oh the drama one eye ball can produce - sigh

from my perspective...i just wanna see

Not feeling so well today
it's raining but I feel like going for a bit of a walk
I have my eye surgery tomorrow
it's number 2 so I am hoping it works better then the first one
I don't think I see much of a difference

I know I must have patience (spelling?)

oh well I need to go move around a bit

Today I am thankful for:

*The safe arrival of Pastor Jamie and Shannon's new son!!!
*Late night calls from special friends - even if they are the tearful HELP ME kind (I hope i helped you!)
*Potential job offers - keeping my fingers crossed
*The smell of bounce sheets on my bedding - I did not want to get out of bed this morning
*Books on CD - I am prepared for my eye surgery lol
*Tim Horton's coffee
*that I put make up on today
*Friends who visit me
*that I am single

from my perspective...I am counting my blessings (at least that way I am not complaining lol)

Just a quick prayer request. Please pray for Cheryl and Jay. They were married Aug 5th and without getting into a lot of details here they are not doing well. Please pray for Jay, his temper, and that he will learn to show that he cherishes his wife and pray for Cheryl as she is just a wreck at the moment and depressed. That she would know how special and loved she is.

Thanks

It's a sad day today. My favorite Animal guy is gone. It's hard to believe, he was so young. I just thought I would add a little tribute here. I don't know what else to say, It's always sad when someone looses their lives unexpectedly. His poor wife and kids.

Ok so it has been a few days since I last blogged but I am trying to adapt to a "if you can't say anything nice don't say nothing at all" mentality so I just didn't write anything.

It was nice to see Roxy after work today waiting for me when I came outside - even though she scared me because I was not expecting her lol

It was nice to talk to Joanne last night and find out baby number 3 is also boy number 3 - now just have to wait for his grand entrance!

It was nice to be able to work to pay bills even though work is just not nice - I have a job at least.

I think a tent in Alberta driving brats to school for 77 bucks an hour sounds like a fun adventure lol - come on are we not all about adventures?

from my perspective...i need way more adventure in my life

not going to complain about my job
trying to be thankful for it
trying to understand why it is so hard to find a new one

not going to complain about a lack of social life
trying to be thankful I have life in my body at all
trying to understand why I am so discontent when some friends are having some really major issues in their lives right now

Hello all

I just got the latest update from my friend Ellen. As you will read it is not looking very good so who ever reads this who prays or even if you don't it may be a good time to start. Please say a prayer for them:

I am ok...a little sad today and barely holding it together but I will be ok...I finally heard back about the neurological stuff and it does not look good...because of the promise Jeff made me make to him about not letting him be this way, I have discussed it with both his mom and his dad and yesterday at the family meeting with the doctors, I had to ask what our options were as far as his future....I gave them the ok to not resusitate him should anything come up again that makes him crash...then I cried and cried and cried....so...not a good day but I cannot dwell on it cause I am teary eyed again as I write this....I will be ok though...dont worry...it is still a game of waiting....god knows how I love that...but we wait...if things change and he starts to make progress then I can change my mind on the resusitation thing. I really dont like having this as my responsibility...I know I will do the right thing for Jeff but for probably the first time ever, I care what other people will think...I dont want anyone who cares about Jeff to think I did this on purpose cause it was easier for me or something, you know? He made me promise not to let him be this way and this decision is the hardest thing I have ever had to make. I know the doctors dont hold out much hope for much more of a recovery then what we have already seen...they said it usually happens with young people within the first two to four days after waking up ( the full recovery if it is going to happen). They also told me that my decision was the most compassionate and caring thing to do...that really made me cry because I really didn't want to do it...I would have loved to be selfish but I am a woman of my word...Jeff and I really talked about this...he even asked me to make sure I still watch out for Johnathan and take him sometimes on our weekends etc. I am so glad he looked at all options and decided for himself because I dont think I could have said what I did yesterday if he hadn't stressed it was what he wanted. I never said I was perfect...every once in a while I would like to be selfish too, you know?

The really shitty part is that he seems to be doing great today...he has been awake for a while today and he watched a movie with me...he is doing most of the things I ask him too, like opening or closing his eyes, sticking his tongue out, and I swear to god he is trying to talk to me...can't make out anything he is saying but he is definately trying...I guess, the way I see it is this...if he shows an improvement...I can always change my mind on what I have said....so for now...I still wait.


There is always the chance of a miracle...right???? Long shot I know but I believe in 'em.

Anyhoo...I just snuck on today (to the internet I mean), so I should be going...I will e-mail again tomorrow.

It was heart breaking to watch you sob today.
to see you hurting so badly
I wanted to be able to say something to make it better
instead I said nothing that would help
but I rubbed your back and hugged you

I want to have faith in miracles
that God will heal your marriage
that you would not feel that you made a big mistake
but most of all that you would be happy again

the smiling giggling baby talking kind person that you are

I hope that a couple days at your moms helps put perspective in both your minds

from my perspective...my heart is aching for my friend today.

Some of you have been asking about updates on my friend Ellen's fiance Jeff. Well the news has been so up and down that he still is not out of the woods yet. On August 16th ellen wrote:

Sorry for the delay in updates...someone else started to occupy the bed where the computer was...so I no longer had access....I am spending a bit of time with Taylor away from the hospital but will be back tomorrow so while I had access I thought I would send a GREAT update.

Woohoo...I finally have something promising to tell you all...this morning they took out the respirator tubes so there is not any trouble with breathing anymore...he seems to be stable though they are still giving him oxygen. They also took out the major IV's in his leg and now only have two in his arm...one for taking blood and one for medications. The nuerologists have not said what the EEG scan (which will show brain activity) has said yet but they did come in and do some manual tests.

I was a little afraid that Jeff was just seeing me as something he recognized (like comfort) but did not know exactly who I was...he just hasn't seemed to be really with it yet...today when they did the tests, they asked him to look right (he didn't), look left (which he did), look right again (which he did this time), look at your wife (and he looked at me...I smiled at him because I was so pleased he knew me, and when she kept asking him to look in other directions he didn't take his eyes off me....not for about two minutes...cheese... I know... but I loved every minute of it. They wanted him to get lots of sleep today, they figured it would be easy for him without the discomfort of the tubes, but he seems restless...so I would go over to the bed and tell him I was there and he would sort of dose off (at first), then I would give him a kiss on his cheek (his lips are swollen and sore from the tube and I didn't wanna hurt him) and he would lean in like I should kiss his lips, I would kiss the other cheek and he would lean the other way like I should again kiss his lips, so eventually I kissed his lips ever so gently and he tried to lick me. God, Bob and I laughed until we cried I think...he's a funny man, even when he is sick...haha.

Anyways...his attitude is promising...he tried to talk but I told him not too because it would hurt him still so we shall see what tomorrow brings. The nuerologists are doing tests still so I dont know where that is going but, they also said he shows great improvement.

Exciting I know...I think all of your prayers are working. Keep em comin'

Love you guys all...thanks for all the support...I will send updates whenever I can.

and then on Aug 17 she updated again:
Well, today is not as good as yesterday...he is tired...I mean, REALLLYYYYYYYY TIRED so I am hoping it is just that but he is not doing what we ask (probably just being stubborn), and is not trying to lick me today (though I did get a kiss...sort of). Anyways...they want him to rest so for now, i guess...I watch him sleep...LOL

Hopefully tomorrow will be brighter again.

As you can see she is really trying to stay posative and she makes some jokes but in her personal e-mails to me she has really been a wreck. Please keep Jeff in your toughts and prayers as well as Ellen and the kids.

Worried about a couple friend today.

My one friend just got married and she is sad that it doesn't "feel" different and that her husband is not home a lot.

My other friend sent me the following e-mail about her fiance yesterday. I have been keeping in contact and the only change is that he opened his eyes once but that's about it.


I am using a computer at the Hospital for a minute just so I can give you all an update.

Here is exactly what happened...Jeff has not been well recently. I did convince him to go to the hospital finally on Sunday morning way in the early morning hours and they admitted him. They gave him antibiotics and monitored him etc. Then they released him On Tuesday morning around 11 and he seemed to be doing fine. He spent the day with his dad and Taylor and after work I went to pick him up. We went to a few car dealerships just to look around and see what was new...get him a little fresh air and a bit of excercise, nothing strenuous, just walking...he still was fine. We went home and he went outside to light the bar-b-q, when he came back in he grabbed a glass of juice and was joking with my mom about getting a regular excercise schedule/routine going...no more laying around etc. He grabbed at his upper stomach like he had a pain then he seemed dizzy cause he grabbed the dishwasher for balance. I was behind him cleaning out the fridge, I heard my mom say something and I turned to see what was going on just intime to catch him as he fell backwards. Amazingly, I did not drop him...I was very proud of myself for that one...he is a tad larger then me afterall. Anyways, I gently laid him down and looked at me...his eyes roled back in his head and he gasped once then gurgled....I yelled at my mom to go call 911 and screamed for Jeffs dad who was outside....he strated going blue in the face and around his lips and I really started to panic....Bob made it in the house quickly and I'm sure I alarmed all the neighbours to the problem because we all know I have a huge mouth when I need too...LOL Anyways, we started CPR and the paramedics were there I would guess within approx. 10 minutes, they took over and had to use the paddles on his chest... They put a tube through his nose and into his lungs to help him breath, regulated his heart and took him to Bowmanville Hospital...They then airlifted him to Toronto General which is where we still are...he was too sick for them to handle...they say though that the CPR saved his life...so I say I get a lifetime pass, free of any complaints, and he can never bitch at me again...I am sure he will agree when he finally wakes up.

He is on a resusitation system so it helps him with his breathing, his left lung has collapsed and is slowly refilling on its own...that is a good sign. Wednesday they had to use the paddles on him twice through the night and then about 15 to 20 times just before noon yesterday because his heart was beating in a way that could have killed him...they used the paddles so much and gave him the drugs to slow his heart down that once it actually took, they had to put a wire in his leg up to his heart and attach a pace maker because his heart beat was then too slow.

Thursday, they took him for a test on his lungs to find out why it collapsed as well as see if it going to get better, and another chest x-ray as well, then they stopped sedating him to give him the chance to come out of his coma and allow the neurologists to see if there is any damage there. They are unsure what will happen...it does not look that great but there is still hope...we still have to wait 72 hours from when they stopped sedation to see what happens...the tests yesterday show that there is brain stem activity but nothing in his actual brain. We have come to discover that the reason for the collapse was a clot in his heart. Pneumonia probably added to the stress and a combination caused the lung collapse.

I promise to keep you all informed of any updates...especially now that I know I can sneak in and use this computer every once in a while. Whatever you all do...please do not ask me to explain this in person because each time I try, I ball....it is just too hard to say all this out oud....it just makes it that much more real, you know? Anyways...I will talk to you all as soon as I know something more.


Ellen

Can you believe I have been accused of being a "blogslacker" lol ok so I know it's true. It's been busy with the move and work - which I am not even going to get into at the moment. But I am starting to get settled - ok if that were true would I have had a full car for the last week and a half? Oh Beth your mission should you choose to accept it is to get all the stuff OUT of your car THIS WEEKEND - sigh. Maybe I should go for a swim in the communal pool today? I want to beat the children there and from what I have observed there is never anyone in the pool when it first opens. Hmmmmm - I could be on to something lol. I feel like I just ran out of things to say all of a sudden lol...I guess thats a sign to get moving!

I have been far too busy to update you all but I survived another move on a day where it was WAY too hot to be alive let alone move things into a non air conditioned house.I had to finally break down and go buy one because I have never sweated that much in my life. I digusted myself lol. Anyway now comes the task of unpacking and I must admit that seems a little nerve wracking too because well when you have moved as much as I have you become a little skeptical that places will work out. It does feel strange living with someone again. But I mean durring the last 12 years I have slept at the Laings house enough and been to enough of their family functions to feel like Steve is like a brother to me so I feel I can trust him not to screw me over like other room mates. Anyway such is life I have that song from Annie in my head right now

"I think I'm gonnnnnnaaaaaaa liiiiiiike it heeeeeeeeeeeeere"

Anyway apart from that work is - well ya
I am going to be looking for a new job harder then ever. I still have not heard back from a job I applied to through Lorraine but I hope I do soon

I am stressed
I am exhausted
I have a face full of zits
I need a nap
I wish I could beam my belongings over to the new place
I do not want to be at work right now
I want weekends off
I want to go to a beach
I want to hug my nephew
I want
I don't want
I am
I have

I know this sounds like complaining but that is not what it is
I just felt like making statements
they are true
I am just utterly exhausted and this move has brought on some emotions that I did not think that it would. It's weird. I cried because I like where I am, change is hard for me. I cried because I could no longer afford to really live alone. I cried because I love my neighbors and will miss them. I even cried because I will miss Max, Brewtis and Lucky my next door dogs. They are not very well taken care of sadly and I looked out for them. I know that sounds dumb but I am used to my routine. I am overwhelmed. I mean it does make me feel somewhat releaved that I will be able to afford to actually eat, or go see a movie or whatever. I love the colour my room mate painted my room. I love that my room is so big. I love that there is a pool at the complex there. See good vs. bad. Happy vs. sad there is just no pleasing me some days now is there. I think once it's all done and over with I will be ok. I just had been so busy that i never stopped to realize what I was doing.

from my perspective.....i am excitedly sad if that makes sense.

So here I sit at work again - takin a little break
For some reason I just went on a organizational tangent and started cleaning up EVERYTHING.
Why can't I have the same energy at home getting ready for my move?

It's hard to share an office with someone who is not on the same "filing/cleanliness" wave length as yourself.

Not saying that she is a slob neccessarily - however I have my way to keep things and they are NOT the same as her ways. So right now I am trying to tackle all of the filing that seems to be piling up in the corner and clear some desk space.

It's hard to believe I will soon be moving again. I need some help so if anyone has a van or a truck and wants to help a sistah out let me know!

I am not sure if I am excited or not really. I mean it is going to really help out in the financial department and at least this time around I suspect there will be a lot less drama then previous room mates have caused (all 3 of them).

I think things are going well here at work lately. I have not really kept you all up to date with what has been going on but there are now 3 supervisors to do all the work that I used to do all on my own so I don't feel such overwhelming stress to get tasks done and my boss actually has been somewhat better at pointing out the good work I have been doing. We have split the employees into 3 teams of 4 - ya I used to be responcible to coach and maintain quality and feedback for 12 employees on TOP of everything else. This change has completley helped me to be able to now get my work done on schedule and in a lot more detail then I used to be able to do. I really am enjoying that because I like to be able to do a job that I can be proud of. My team members are also very content and actually trying hard to exceed branch targets too (which will help me get monthly bonuses - go team!)

Anyway, I have been pretty busy these days getting all that accomplished so I thought it was about time I updated the world lol (well more then just the obvious Bon Jovi updates that is lol)

adopt'>http://bunnyherolabs.com/adopt/">adopt your own virtual pet!

I am at the point in my packing where I think that the rest of my stuff is going in the garbage lol
How does one person accumulate so much stuff? I mean I downsized A LOT after my last move just a year and a half ago. I have moved a lot of stuff over to the new place already because my room is done now and I really like it. It's so big! Anyway I SHOULD be utalizing my day off here to get more packing done lol so it's off to hit the showers and to get some more things in boxes!

I just realized that I have been very much a slacker in the blogger world these days.
I went to Montreal to see a Bon Jovi concert this week. It was an experience let me tell you.
Bon Jovi general admission tickets with 45,000 people lol. Nickelback opened the show. They are pretty good too but they are wild and use a lot of foul language lol. Shame on them lol.

The concert was at Parc Jean Drapeau. That place is HUGE and dirty lol I had feet that were so gross after words lol never wear flip flops to an outdoor concert.

As always the boys rocked out and the set list was amazing! (you can go to http://www6.islandrecords.com/bonjovi/news_2.php if you really want to lol) I managed to get about 4 feet away from jon when he was singing my favorite song so for that reason alone it makes up for the 4 and a half hour wait in 30 degree weather and the layers of dirt caked on me.

But it's back to work today for me - I wish I could take more time off but hey the rent isn't payin itself here lol - so on that note I need to go and get a bunch of things done before I go to work tonight

what a nice day out today but hot.
It's days like this I do NOT want to go to work -
oh wait - I never want to go to work lol

who am I trying to kid lol

I have to do payroll tonight - thrilling eh?

Anyway it was a great morning over at life church today
I am so excited about the things that we are planning to do with our new building

soak
free store
blogotional
park parties for our neighbors

no one knows just how happy I am I nearly cried listening to all the plans
we need this
it's perfect time
not only outreaching anymore
"inreaching" too

ok enough about that because it makes me think about Bobby wanting to run yelling in the streets "COME TO CHURCH" lol

I can't believe how funny that comment he made was lol

good times

ok done for now must eat lunch before work

Ever have a really random thing happen in your life that makes you feel overwhelmed with an urge to smile and dance and let loose and be free?

Imagine if you will having a nice dinner at the old spaghetti factory with a couple friends you rarely spend time with and then as you exit the building you hear what sounds to be a drum squad - oh fun you think really cool buskers. So you all walk a block down to watch and just as you approach the corner around the corner comes a parade of what looks like club kids in costumes with angel wings and all sorts of get up's waving sparkly ribbons and dancing and laughing and playing shakers, blowing whistels and beckoning you to come join the big parade.

"what is this all about" I questioned one of the passers by
"it's a party"
"but who is running it"
"2 guys"
"but what's it for?"
"just to have fun"
"so it's not for anything or anyone?"
"nope 2 guys just wanted to have a party - we're going to Cherry Beach so you should come"
"I don't get it"
"whats to get it's a party parade"
*thinks to myself ohhhhh duh - a party parade not sure why I didn't figure that out sooner - who in the world has EVER seen a party parade?*

I wanted to get pictures but by the time we got back to the car the party parade had danced it's way too far up the street. But oh man I am so mad I wasn't able to get their pictures - such joy - prolly mostly high but man I wanted to feel as free as that

from my perspective.......i crave to dance to drum beats in the street and not care what anyone thinks about it

It's been a few days since I last made an entry and I have been feeling like I should put something but I am not sure what to say lol. I don't have as busy a life as Rox or exciting things happening like Angela or twins to brag on like Stacey - so what should I talk about lol.

I still see no change in my eye sight since the surgery. I guess these things take time and I should not get ahead of myself but I think I sort of thought it would be pretty much right away.

Work is a very frustrating place and I know that I blog about it a lot but I really am not sure what to do about it. I gave up looking for another job because I was not getting any responces. I do feel like I am taken advantage of and what exactly do you do when you keep asking and asking for a meeting with your manager for over a month and keep getting blown off? I feel like writing him an "I don't feel like I am being valued or heard" letter but I don't know if that is such a great idea. Is that something that is better left to a face to face meeting?

I am going to Montreal next week to see Bon Jovi and I am really excited! I felt guilty about spending the money but really what have I done with my summer - nothing. I am not feeling guilty anymore because I have not really gone and done anything for a long time. So I am going to go - have a blast and not feel one little ounce of guilt. Because when everyone else was at wonderland I was working, when everyone else was at Jeff's Pride day BBQ I was working, when everyone goes out dancing, I am answering phones so it's time for Beth to have some fun!

Now that is not meant to be a pity party at all please don't get me wrong. I am thankful every single day I am employed because I know what it is like to be unemployed. I am just not sure how to fix the issues at work.

ANNNNNYWAY....I think I am going to load some boxes into my car today and drive them over to the new place. I move in like 3 more weeks - YIKES! Man wow - I need to not unpack ever I move so much lol

from my perspective....i'm always on the move!

I CAN GO OUTSIDE TODAY

just in time for the LIFE BBQ at the sawyers!

when I removed those hideous shades everything was so bright I had to put them back on for a bit

isn't that so weird?

you hate them for 3 days and wish them away every second and when you take them away you want them back

Regardless I am just so happy to go outside in the day light!

No change yet in my eye - to be honest the surgery made it worse but I am guessing that is a temperary set back. Doctor said she was optomistic that there would be a significant improvment so I am going to be optomistic also!

Ok - I am officially bored out of my mind
being a hermit is NOT fun
thank you Roxy for the visit last night to get me outside in the dark and the snacks and well even when you laughed at my shades.

I was feeling very cranky and sorry for myself and roxy cheered me up and will have to keep cheering me up all day today and tomorrow so all you out there who would take pitty on a poor blind shut in lol CALLLLLLL MEEEEEEEE

thanks and no progress to report yet on if it worked or not it says that it could take several days to be able to see

But I have nothing better to do so I will keep you posted!

I am done
i survived
i had to look at the brightest light I have ever seen
and 83 seconds felt like an eternity as I sat there thinking of the light at the end of the tunel
thinking Jesus I'm coming home lol

Dr was optomistic that this is going to work
could it be that my vision will be restored?
Even nearly normal would be better then hardly anything.

Now I am sporting these humongo sun glasses
you know the kind that fit OVER your glasses?!
Ya and I have to wear them seriously no joke for the next 2 days minus the sleeping

Paris Hilton eat your heart out this chick is HAWT!

YEEE HAW!

so I finally have a diagnosis for my eye

Ocular Histoplasmosis

I had another test yesterday and there seems to be abnormal bleeding in the back of my eye which is what is causing the blind spots

I go for a lazer surgery at 2pm

I'll keep you all posted

I know mostly everyone on flickr has seen this already but I am not sure why but this is one of my favorite pictures of my nephew. He makes me laugh histerically!

I love when Angela calls
we talk for an hour or two about things that we feel passionate about
we talk about things we find histerical
and laugh uncontrolably

Angela is like fresh air to my heart!

Can't wait to hang out with you tomorrow!

i felt like talking to you today
i wanted to tell you about my job
how i went to owen sound this week
how big christian is getting.

i wanted to tell you tina is very much in love and is moving to hanover
how that makes me kind of sad because now there is no one left there for me to visit
kind of feels final now
home town is still home town but the people who made it home are all gone

i wanted to hear you tell me about where you had been traveling to
about all the crazy outlandish things that you find so normal
about all the crazy outlandish people you associate with

the things that once annoyed me greatly are the greatest things i am missing today

from my perspective.....it still feels strange that you are gone.

As promised here are a couple of pictures of the nephew - I look not so great but what do you expect it was a pajama party lol

I had such a fantastic but way too short visit with my priceless nephew. I cannot believe how much he has grown in a year. He looked so odd to me. All tall and lanky and SUPER SKINNY - not sure how he stays so skinny he eats non stop. I asked him "Christian do you have a hollow leg" "No Aunty Beth I have 2 of them". He is so cute and we played and laughed histerically - he can make me laugh like no other. We cuddled a lot and watched a movie. We read stories together and just had a day and a half of fun. Talk about tugging at my heart strings though this morning before I left I was sending him off to school and he said "I did not get enough time with you Aunty Beth, now I am never gonna see you again for so long and can mommy and I come live with you" UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH

I would give that kid the moon if he asked like that and if I had a long enough rope.......will post pictures when I get home from work.

Oh Tina seems to be doing very well also lol
Very happy and very in love and her soon to be fiance is very nice - I got to meet him and he treats her so well so I guess that is all that matters

well back to work!

I am sooooooo excited! This is my nephew Christian who I have not seen in just over a year now. I am going to go make the 3 hour drive to Owen Sound tomorrow for a couple of days so that I can FINALLY see him. The best part is that he has no idea that I am coming lol! I am going to just go and knock on his door and freak him out! We have plans to go to his soccor game and I could not think of anything better I would like to do with my time! Man am I excited!

I really hate packing.
I just sometimes wish that I could snap my fingers like Mary Poppins and all by belongings would do a happy little dance to their rightful boxes all the while me singing a cutesy little song.....if life were only that easy eh lol

Well, I don't really have a whole lot else to talk about at this point. I know I have such an exciting life lol but with getting ready to move it feels like that is the only thing I am thinking about even though I am the worlds biggest procrastinator

"the first step is looking at the boxes" Right Rox lol

OH! I almost forgot to add a picture in here of Joanne and I being totally ourselves and the way we are EVERY time we are together lol - CRAZY!

I





just wanted to to put in a few pictures off the digital camera of the kids. I can't believe their 3 week visit ends in 2 more sleeps as joshy said. I love this kid so much! He's so smart! And the fact that I got Adam to sit still lol that in instelf is a great accomplishment! So anyway thats all for now just wanted to stick in a couple pics even if they are not the best quality!

Wall Of Memories was unveiled today at Mount Lawn Cemetary in Whitby. My mom did something very special for my brother and I. My dad is burried in the united states and we were not able to attend the burrial so neither one of us have ever been able to make the trip to his grave. My mom had his name put on the wall of memories so that we could have something to go and visit if we wanted to. It still does not feel the same to me and I do want to go to his grave but I will admit the gesture my mom made in doing this was just plain and simply beautiful. My dad's name was William (in case you can't see it there) lol. The ceremony was nice and they released a bunch of white doves when they unveiled the 2 mwmorials....kinda reminded me of touched by an angel lol. Anyway that was about the most excitement I have had since I went to the zoo last monday. This was far more special to me.

Ok so I went to the dentist today and got two fillings and then went to the opthomologist or however you spell it. Looks like I was right and my eye is getting worse. I have to go again to the hospital for ANOTHER florescein angiogram or whatever its called. It's where they put an IV in the back of my hand and inject me with an orange colour dye and then take photographs of the inside of my eye as the dye goes through my veins so they can see where there are leaks or gatherings of blood where there should not be. He had told me last time that it was inoperable and that there was no treatment so I am a little curious about why I am going through the bother of more testing but I have no idea. He said before that it was scar tissue and now if there is a blood leak somewhere I guess there is a treatment for the blood leak? Who knows it's just all very frustrating because my vission in that eye seems to be getting to the point where it's just all grey blobs. I can't read with it - very annoying. Just wanted to vent a little because to be honest I do feel rather helpless at the moment.

from my perspective...it feels like i am falling apart today

So it is now 100% official!

I'm moving!

This is a good move

saves me 200 a month

will be renting a room in the town house Steve Laing just bought

Steve is like a brother to me due to me and Joanne being so close so I trust him and thing this is going to work out really good!

I move in August 1st

UGH

So Tuesday is going to be so much fun....NOT (you like that Rox? I know I know the 80's called they want their catch phrase back lol)

I will be going to the dentist at 12:10 to get a few fillings and then straight from the dentist to the opthamologist for my eye check up to see if the condition is getting worse - which I feel like it is - sigh - but there is nothing they can do

I dunno I want to have some faith that it will get better or that they will find a surgery to correct it rather then believe and accept that I am just going to gradually lose my sight in that eye

We'll see - no pun intended lol

Just for those of you who wanted to see I thought I would post some pictures of Joanne and the boys for you to see just how much they have grown!

Josh will be 5 in september and Adam will be 2 the next day and baby number 3 will be in early december! They have just arrived back in Ontario yesterday for a visit for 3 weeks and I can hardly wait to see them tomorrow!! Ok I know I just saw them a couple of months ago but if you got to spend any time with them you'd fall in love with them too!

Joshy is just so smart and polite and Adam is the biggest monkey - no fear at all except when mommy leaves him!

Well I guess that I should get to bed so I am not too tired in the morning I am over and out

night!

I like Alfred Sung perfume in very small doses
1 spray and walk through
you know the drill

imagine this
A nice - almost full bottle of Alfred Sung
displayed nicely on a glass shelf in the bathroom in front of the kenneth cole new york bottle
yes - lets show off the 2 expensive perfume name brands
la dee da


now imagine if that shelf were to fall off the wall
for whatever reason
maybe it was tired just hanging around

imagine even further that when it falls nothing else breaks
Except one aforementioned almost full bottle of Alfred Sung perfume - only enjoyed by the owner in very small doses

my house REEKS like an over perfumed woman
come on you all know her
you walk behind her in the mall
get trapped with her in an elevator
sit next to her at work

yes -- her

obnoxiously nausiating
my house is freezing with all the windows open and my head is begining to hurt and I will smell like alfred sung fumes for who knows how long
maybe it's time to move?

I just finished reading a book called Night by Elie Wiesel. This book is the author's account of his time spent being moved from one concentration camp to another in the 1940's. I had to several times remind myself this was not just a story book but these horrific things really happened....It's really very hard to imagine that even today things like this still do happen. I would like to add a few quotes from the author's Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speach. I think his words basically sum it all up and I myself felt moved, challanged, encouraged, inspired by his words:

"...And that is why I swore to never be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must take sides. Neutrality helps the opressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jepardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must - at that moment - become the centre of the universe....There is so much injustice and suffering crying out for our attention: victims of hunger, of racism and political persecution. Human rights are being violated in every continent. More people are opressed then free. How can one not be sensitive to their plight? Human suffering anywhere concerns men and women everywhere...There is so much to be done, there is so much that can be done. One person - a Raoul Wallenberg, an Albert Schweitzer, a Martin Luther King Jr. - One person of integrity can make a difference, a difference of life and death. As long as one dissident is in prison, our fredom will not be true. As long as one child is hungry, our life will be filled with anguish and shame. What all these victims need above all is to know that they are not alone; that we are not forgetting them, that when their voices are stifled, we shall lend them ours, that while their freedom depends on ours, the quality of our freedom, depends on theirs...Our lives no longer belong to us alone; they belong to all those who need us so desperatley."

This was deffinatley not my attempt to be all preachy or get up on a soap box, simply letting you know that I was moved by these words. I am not sure what I - or any of us for that matter - can do to make a difference but my perspective has been shifted. I guess I never before figured that their problem was my problem.....I mean come on I live in Canada - land of the free right? Well anyway it makes me think thats all and that is all I was hoping it would do for you - make you think.

8.5 hours down - 6.5 more to go

no nap
not supposed to be working

yet again fighting a bitterness against my work place
thank god I have a job right

Thank you roxy for zipping by with coffee
how did you remember that peanut butter cookies were my favorite?
The chili is not working so well with my upset tummy from today but I will save it and I am greatful to you once more. You are a super friend and I had a lot of fun with you last night! Then again its always fun times with Beth and Rox or shall I say Dusty and Rusty lol - too funny!

I wish I had of had more then 45 min notice that she would call in sick - I would have taken a nap - brought some movies or at least a book......gonna be a long night if my friend Bobby does not come back to work with some DVD's for me.

Has anyone ever listened to the radio at this time of night on a Saturday? I feel like I have warped into some weird techno time zone and I feel the urge to do the robot dance lol

I miss Angela - sorry that I was not able to talk to you last night but you know how it is with the boys when they want to get going - I'd better go or face their wrath lol love you!

Ok, in case none of you have noticed I am now just typing to keep myself entertained lol I do not care about entertaining you - I think you all should be entertaining me actually

Sweet dreams are made of these
who am I to disagree

gotta go - I am actually starting to drive MYSELF crazy let alone the rest of you lol

hail mary full of grace
the lord is my sheppard
jesus wept

same me lol

must stay awake!

Hmm

so here I sit feeling quite - I dunno - something
numb perhaps?
verge of tears - not sure
I don't know how to feel

So as most of you know my dad died just over a year ago. I barely knew my step mother and after a year of asking - pleading - for ANYTHING that was his and her telling me no it all reminds her of him and she just could not bear to part with it - she even moved and never told us - I tracked her down though......long story short I just came home to a box of my dads things. Nothing worth anything but they are his. I have the carved wooden eagle that I bartered down to 12 pesos for him in the philippines - I remember the little shack over looking the rice terraces. I knew he would love it because he loved eagles so much. I have a couple of light houses that again are maked with a dollar store lable but he LOVED light houses. but I think the most cherished thing I have now which is bringing me to tears as I even think of it is his Bible. All ratty and falling apart but it has his writing in it, little notes he tucked into the pages. I can see and get to know a part of my dad now...his thought about certain things. Which is not feeling quite good enough to me but it is all I have to get to know.

It was such a long and busy day at work and I was frustrated when I got home. Now I am weepy and nostelgic. I am thankful yet sad, happy yet somehow this makes me feel a new sense of greif. But at the same time I feel a bit of closure that I can know I have some of his things and I don't need to keep trying so hard to get her to give me anything.

I made a promise to my dad in a letter the day before his funeral that I would always make sure to always look out for her but I am hurt by her and want to not even bother anymore. I need some time to process how I feel about her.

from my perspective...i feel homesick for my dad

Well, Here I am!
I have gotten some sleep and I am FINALLY making time to write a blog.

Not sure what I feel like talking about.

It's such a beautiful day and now that I am writing I find myself glancing toward the window thinking I should go back outside lol

Nothing much new is going on in my life - same old same old really

Working and doing the best I can to have some kind of a life but with my crappy shift it's really hard. My boss fianally took me off the weekend midnights so that means I can actually see some of you on the weekends again. I am however working the 4-12 shift on saturday and sunday....pfft

I did ask if I could get smoe weekends off and he mentioned that he would try - but I am not thinking that is going to mean too much....his try doesn't seem to pan out a whole lot.

I have been working on charting out my days to try to get the most out of them. So far I am at about 2:30 on Monday lol I have a bit more work ahead of me eh

Ok well I am just rambling on about nothing much so I will stop for now but that is the update for anyone who is interested!

bye

working too much
too tired to blog
will blog tomorrow
wanted you all to know I was still alive

going to plan a games night at my house I think if I can get a good day off
stay tuned

http://www.fighthunger.org/home

Please click this link and take a look! I will be one of the walkers on May 21st.
Shameful plug - please sponcer me - I don't do too much on a regular basis so now that I have set my mind to it I need people to pledge me!

please let me know if you want to - no pressure

but I really want to help contribute to something worth while!

lol speaking of time flying it was may 3rd when I wrote this
sheesh

So I tried to write a blog earlier on today however it would not save for who knows what reason. I had a nice day hanging with Roxy. We went and got our hair cut together and then when I did not love my haircut (which is kinda starting to grow on me) we went and got a curling iron lol

Then We hung out with her family a bit and that is just nice to be around Hans and Cody - so funny to me to be called "Tita Beth" (Aunt in Philippino)

So I just realized - today being may 1st and all, that my nephew Christian is going to be 8 in 15 days. Wow. 8! How in the world does that happen so fast? It does not seem like 8 years ago I help him in my arms and fell madly in love with him - or since he said "Abba" for the first time - he could not say Aunty Beth - He called my mom Gee-ma lol

Well, I hate to get all sappy when some of you I am sure really don't care lol
I guess I am having a moment where it feels like you blink and time soars by kinda leaving you sitting there feeling like someone punched you in the gut and all you can say is "whut the" lol

from my perspective...time goes by too fast

You know what I need?
I need to be assertive
Especially in my job (I will spare you the ever so monotonous yet ever so frustrating details)
Why is that so difficult for me?
In a web page I was just looking at about assertivness it says this:

"Assertiveness basically means the ability to express your thoughts and feelings in a way that clearly states your needs and keeps the lines of communication open with the other" (The Wellness Workbook, Ryan and Travis). However, before you can comfortably express your needs, you must believe you have a legitimate right to have those needs. Keep in mind that you have the following rights:
The right to decide how to lead your life. This includes pursuing your own goals and dreams and establishing your own priorities.
The right to your own values, beliefs, opinions, and emotions -- and the right to respect yourself for them, no matter the opinion of others.
The right not to justify or explain your actions or feelings to others.
The right to tell others how you wish to be treated.
The right to express yourself and to say "No," "I don't know," "I don't understand," or even "I don't care." You have the right to take the time you need to formulate your ideas before expressing them.
The right to ask for information or help -- without having negative feelings about your needs.
The right to change your mind, to make mistakes, and to sometimes act illogically -- with full understanding and acceptance of the consequences.
The right to like yourself even though you're not perfect, and to sometimes do less than you are capable of doing.
The right to have positive, satisfying relationships within which you feel comfortable and free to express yourself honestly -- and the right to change or end relationships if they don't meet your needs.
The right to change, enhance, or develop your life in any way you determine.
When you don't believe you have these rights -- you may react very passively to circumstances and events in your life. When you allow the needs, opinions, and judgments of others to become more important than your own, you are likely to feel hurt, anxious, and even angry. This kind of passive or nonassertive behavior is often indirect, emotionally dishonest and self-denying.


sorry it did not cut and paste right but I did not want to go in and change it all lol. I have to realize that I determine and develop my life and how I act. I just don't understand though why it feels so gross to me to do that when other friends just seem to make it look natural. I feel secretly jealous of that. I too want to live a somewhat selfish life in that way

perhaps it IS true that practice DOES make perfect

from my perspective....asking for a raise to be paid what I am worth is scaring the snot out of me

I have JUST discovered that you DON'T need to download hello to post pics on here man I am learning so for all you zoe lovers out there this is for you - ZOE BLOGS! lol

Meant To Live - Switchfoot

Fumbling his confidence And wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he's bent for more than arguments And failed attempts to fly, fly
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open Maybe we're bent and broken, broken
We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life, yeah
We were meant to live for so much more Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live We were meant to live

Ok!!! I have been given the go ahead to tell people this information now!
I am soooooo excited to be the one to blab the news!

Ryan and Joanne Freisen (nee Laing) are expecting baby number 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joanne is due at the end of November

this will be a little brother or (I hope) sister for Joshy and Adam!

Just wanted to give everyone who knows them the heads up!!

Ok I ALMOST figured out how to add links to the sidebar but it made my picture go to the bottom of the page and you saw the Whole URL not just "whatever Page"

a little help here??!!!


from my perspective....this is frustrating lol

I've been feeling chalanged lately to cut the crap so to speak.
I am sick of just having a light and fluffy blog
I want to still have some fluff but I want to talk about things that matter
Make people aware of things that I think are important

For instance Angela has started a blog

http://4africa.blogspot.com/

See! That's the kind of thing I am talking about. If you feel strongly about something then get off your duff and DO something - no matter how small you think it may be. Now I know not everyone is concerned with what is going on in Africa, India, or wherever.......(they SHOULD be) but whatever you feel strongly about be it Animal rights or the state of the union - I don't care - think of some way you can contribute.

Don't be like someone who doesn't vote yet feels the right to complain about politics
Don't be the person who bashes an author and what they stand for without having read their book.

BE EMPOWERED
IF THE WORLD IS GOING TO CHANGE AT ALL WE ALL NEED TO DO SOMETHING

Ok I feel like I am on a soap box at the moment
but I for one am tired of watching movies like born into brothels and hotel rwanda and shedding my tears...we CAN do something - we just have to live a little more creativley

THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX!

thanks to Angela and Mike for your inspiration lol

thats right kiss your money maker! 

funny 

nice buddy 

The following photos are what happens when you leave your camera laying around and leave rox alone lol - thats what you get lol 

It was nice to see you as I drove through the parking lot christa
I like stopping to chat with you
(even if you did catch me smoking again lol)

you love me anyway....sorry about ashing all over you

love you!

oh my word I just found the funniest preaching blooper ever! Poor guy was mortified but man it's good for a laugh! Check it out!

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/dirtypreacher.html

my neighbor's puppy is soooooo cute I HAD to post a picture! This is Max 

Ok so 2 days in a row now roxy has come into my house, said hello, watched TV and all while I remained sleeping like a log...uh, I have a problem with that lol

not with roxy but it could have been a burgler and I would just keep snoring away lol

man!

from my perspective...I sleep too soundly

I picked up my new bed yesterday and let me tell you I actually slept the whole night without waking up multiple times. My sholders are not in pain at all (well a tiny bit but I woke up in a weird position lol)

I did not want to get out of bed this morning at all!

I am really glad roxy has so many connections! This one was a good one!

Ok well I JUST woke up and I don't think I am really awake - shower time

Ok first off thanks for the reply Christa it was sweet!

I don't know just how I pulled it off but basically it looks as though I have an open invitation to work at Durham Contact Centre lol. I e-mailed the lady who hired me and let her know of my situation and I am welcome in the next training class - or even the one after that.....wow!

I have to run upstairs and ask my brother if he will help me carry my new free bed into the house when my aunt helps me pick it up....thanks to rox for finding that for me

I am still struggling to find a place to live but I have a potential spot in a bachelor basement apartment in my aunts friends house.

Trying still to not be angry with my mom because I know that she ultimatley would have let me however, I felt very unwanted like I was an intrution or something.

whatever

from my perspective....I hope this all comes together

Ok so I have a few requests to blog about Canada's newest VJ Tim DUHgan - er I mean Deegan.
Yes, it's true he is representing the good ol Shwa. But the question does remain is do we want that kind of representation?! I mean it is fun and all that we know his ex girlfriend but she is famous in her own right so that cancels out that point. It was really quite funny to hear all the girls chanting "He's so hot, he's so cool, his hair is rad and he makes us druel" OH PLEASE!

"like, um, like, well I'm tim and um like I am Canada's newest VJ and um thank you all for like voting for me and I um want to like work real hard to um like make canada proud"

Welcome to the wonderful world of brainless tv Canada
You JUST proved that societies steriotype is no longer a steriotype

beauty is more appealing then actual talent

I'm Sorry Sean and Nikki - but I am sure you are better off anyway

Ok there is my rant about that lol

I will fill all of you in on the details of my new job soon
I now have 2 jobs (I am going to attempt to remain on at tigertel part time - we'll see I am stepping down today - YIKES)

But it is better this way because my doctor last week put me off on stress leave with a percription that states "Beth is unfit to work" LOL I am just unfit in general but whatever. I went to see her for an update this morning and she thinks it is way better for me the way I am going now. I was having nightmares that I was gettnig in trouble and fired all the time - I could not even escape work in my sleep and it was making me physically ill even. So this is good. I hope that things get better now.

from my perspective.....i feel hopeful for me and doom for much music lol